what now…

well detoxing off meds is no longer a huge issue for me. i did go back on a small dose of neurontin and wellbutrin. i just wasn’t doing well. my fibro is probably about as managed as it will ever get. basically i have to maintain the self-discipline to do good and healthy things for myself. but there is one thing i continue to struggle with. when i strip away the alcoholism (sober 2 years sept. 27, 08), high doses of psych meds and chronic illness/pain…i’m still left with me.

i have begun yoga teacher training. i really want to bring home the whole practice of yoga and what it encompasses. yoga is not just a physical activity that keeps us strong and flexible. it is largely spiritual and a whole lifestyle backs it. but i won’t try to explain or go into that.

i’m struggling with a huge underlying pain that i just can’t resolve or come to terms with. it’s not a simple pain…there are several arms to it. if i could apply the principles of AA or yoga or others i’ve learned over the years…this pain would boil down to “simple” with simple solutions. but i have a hard time applying principles if i don’t have them in my heart. i always try to “act as if” but the pain i carry around…i don’t want to be carrying it…but i can’t drop the rock for good. i’ll have a day or two that seems fairly good but then i crash again and the depression and despair close in. my mind won’t focus…i guess i fall into a mental obsession where it feels as if those ghosts are sitting in the room with me squashing my heart, gripping my throat and filling my mind and veins with cement.  depression and anxiety circle me even when i’m in a crowd and trying to do something i love.

people must be able to sense it. i’m not a nasty, mean or overly sarcastic person. i’m quiet and generally nice…but people just stay away from me as if i had a sign saying “she’s contagious”. and i guess depression is in a way contagious. people want to be around happy people. like attracts like. as long as i feel alone and depressed i’ll only attract others who are in just a bad place or people will continue to stay away. but hell, even my depressed friends stay away from me.

damnit…i have tried so hard to get somewhere better…spiritually and mentally. the great lengths i go to that are practical and spiritual just don’t seem to be helping. it’s this brooding depression that convinced me that maybe i need to be back on some small amount of medication….but to be honest…medication or none…my moods seem to dip to their pre-set depths and i seem to wear them like a robe. it’s been so long and i remember when i was different. i was happy, outgoing, energetic…i was a doer and i took initiative. but now…i can barely talk with people. people used to want to be around me…my phone rang and i had things going on…but now if i never left my home for a month…not a soul would notice or call to see if i was ok.

yeah the hurt is bad and it’s not just a mood thing. it is a life thing and i’m not sure i should go into it all a put it out there. but much of it started over a decision i made when i was in my early 20’s. my family never let me be anyone but that 20something person. i’m 45 now and the consequences and constant pain i’ve had to carry are honestly starting to kill me. most people who have to bear this kind of pain so intensely for so long usually get cancer or something and  are fortunate enough to be taken away from the pain. i can see how people get so sick from a soul killing pain. i don’t know why i’ve carried on as well as i have. i don’t know why i haven’t been diagnosed with something terminal. i guess my punishment has to be this…exactly what i’m talking about. i never get to escape it for long. a phone call…a comment…a sharp jab…a photo…a smell or sight and the pain is there. there is just no way to get away from it. even with all the spiritual practice i have under my wing…god i can help others…at least i used to…i believe what i tell others about dealing with their issues. but believing, practicing and having it in your heart and soul are just different things.

i have only myself to blame for the mental torture i endure every day. i did what i did over 20 years ago and i lived the resulting life. but i tried to live it well and be a good person in every way i could learn to be. but being a good person is not what makes the world right. i don’t want to  pout that the world is unfair. it is and it has to be that way. no i’m not looking for some justice and fairness. that’s not it. just a simple joy and peace of mind. but please don’t try to sell me some cure all answer for this. i’m not that desperate or gullible.  i trust God and Jesus. i believe in what AA teaches me. i love yoga and several other spiritualities. they are real and they do work. but i can’t seem to reconcile this dark shadow or cloud that follows me everywhere. i should move to montana where people go to really be alone. seeing all these happy young people, families, people in love just doesn’t…it should be happy, but it’s sad to me. i think of the family that hates me and that i can’t connect with. i think of the father who hated me so much that his last statement in this world before he died pointed to that. i miss the daughter i can’t be close to. i miss all the people and beings who’ve died or left…everyone who ever mattered to me. i’m not suicidal. i have my dogs who i really do love so much. there are good people that surround my life, but they’re not in it. i love my home and i want badly to not wish i was somewhere else. i don’t believe in geographical cures. you take yourself where ever you go. but sometimes i dream of just walking away. changing my name and not telling the new people in some new place a single thing about my life’s story. maybe if i don’t see and hear constant reminders of tremendous pain i can forget it enough to let it go. it may find me again, but i’d love a remission.

i guess i’ll just try to shower and get to a yoga class…i can fall into that world for a bit. maybe a meeting too. don’t worry….this is the norm but i thought writing it down and putting it somewhere else besides my mind might help somehow.


this really can has me thrown…i love my incense and i have for decades. i smudge with sage often!

from reuters:

Burning incense linked to respiratory cancers

Mon Aug 25, 2008 3:18pm

NEW YORK (Reuters Health) – Burning incense may create a sweet scent, but regularly inhaling the smoke could put people at risk of cancers of the respiratory tract, researchers reported Monday.

In a study of more than 61,000 ethnic Chinese living in Singapore who were followed for up to 12 years, the investigators found a link between heavy incense use and various respiratory cancers.

The findings are published in the medical journal Cancer.

Incense has been used for millennia in many cultures’ religious and spiritual ceremonies. In Asia, people commonly burn incense in their homes — a practice that is becoming more popular in Western countries as well.

read more: http://www.reuters.com/article/healthNews/idUSPAT56944620080825?pageNumber=2&virtualBrandChannel=0&sp=true

monsanto is everywhere. while this is not a new clip i think it’s important to link this to the others that i posted:

i hate milk. this is an older clip, but it’s interesting. but you won’t “get milk” after this:

with the new concerns about the FDA’s maneuvers to irradiate our food supply, i wanted to post a movie that everyone should see…it’s not new and many of you may have seen this but bringing the GMO issue to the front along with the issues of irradiation…the big picture is scary. thinking about your own victory garden now?

just to refer you to info about the irradiation issue:

“NaturalNews has learned that the FDA is plotting to intentionally deceive consumers about irradiated foods, hiding the fact that the foods have actually been irradiated. Today’s feature story reveals the frightening details of how this tyrannical, lawless government agency plans to commit nutritional genocide against the People: http://www.naturalnews.com/023956.html


the following video clips are about the documentary “the future of food”:


ok, i’m a chinese crested owner (a hairless dog). i also have fibromyalgai. i just thought this was an interesting article about people using hairless dogs, xolo (of course cresteds would work as well) as therapy dogs for the treatment of pain conditions such as fibro. of course just having a dog or two or four always helps keep the spirits up!



Heat-generating dogs treat fibromyalgia pain in humans

Friday, June 23, 2006 by: Elisabeth Deffner
Key concepts: Dogs, Fibromyalgia and Service dogs

i haven’t been on line for a very long time. being able to pay attention and put even a few words together, focusing on a topic has been out of my reach for a while. i finished taking the klonopin and all of my meds april 25, ’08. it hasn’t been long. but the withdrawal, rebound…what was going on…not a good time.

but, knock on wood, i think things are getting a dab better. i do have some pretty “normal” days that all my senses are intact, my mind seems to be working well but i guess the best feeling is just not feeling “me”…my body or mind. no, i’m not saying i’m numbed out. it was just the constant bombardment of symptoms, side effects, psychological stuff…i was just too aware of me. it’s nice to walk around and be able to see, smell, hear, pay attention to other things that are going on. withdrawal began to feel like the worst prison i could imagine…trapped in my own, very sick and going crazy body!

i like feeling like i’m in touch with the world around me. usually i say that and hear that from others when they’re recovering from alcoholism and addictions! been down that block. this was worse…way worse. but i can cry and sometimes laugh…i do some creative things and have really gotten into cleaning out and organizing my sinfully messy home…i had lost all emotions but had anger, depression and severe anxiety. those bad ones are still with me, but they are much more quiet. i did decide to take some very low doses of two meds that are pretty weak in the spectrum of psych meds, but i’m sure they’re still not great for me. i just needed a break and those tiny doses of neurontin and wellbutrin have given me a holding place i think. i think i’ll rest here for a few months and then regroup and reassess.

so…i’ve been running a support group for fibromyalgia for all these months that i’ve been absent. i will also start yoga teacher training in september. let’s hope i can maintain…i think i can if i just believe.

after all…faith is all i really have. i have to believe.