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Archive for September, 2008

what now…

well detoxing off meds is no longer a huge issue for me. i did go back on a small dose of neurontin and wellbutrin. i just wasn’t doing well. my fibro is probably about as managed as it will ever get. basically i have to maintain the self-discipline to do good and healthy things for myself. but there is one thing i continue to struggle with. when i strip away the alcoholism (sober 2 years sept. 27, 08), high doses of psych meds and chronic illness/pain…i’m still left with me.

i have begun yoga teacher training. i really want to bring home the whole practice of yoga and what it encompasses. yoga is not just a physical activity that keeps us strong and flexible. it is largely spiritual and a whole lifestyle backs it. but i won’t try to explain or go into that.

i’m struggling with a huge underlying pain that i just can’t resolve or come to terms with. it’s not a simple pain…there are several arms to it. if i could apply the principles of AA or yoga or others i’ve learned over the years…this pain would boil down to “simple” with simple solutions. but i have a hard time applying principles if i don’t have them in my heart. i always try to “act as if” but the pain i carry around…i don’t want to be carrying it…but i can’t drop the rock for good. i’ll have a day or two that seems fairly good but then i crash again and the depression and despair close in. my mind won’t focus…i guess i fall into a mental obsession where it feels as if those ghosts are sitting in the room with me squashing my heart, gripping my throat and filling my mind and veins with cement.  depression and anxiety circle me even when i’m in a crowd and trying to do something i love.

people must be able to sense it. i’m not a nasty, mean or overly sarcastic person. i’m quiet and generally nice…but people just stay away from me as if i had a sign saying “she’s contagious”. and i guess depression is in a way contagious. people want to be around happy people. like attracts like. as long as i feel alone and depressed i’ll only attract others who are in just a bad place or people will continue to stay away. but hell, even my depressed friends stay away from me.

damnit…i have tried so hard to get somewhere better…spiritually and mentally. the great lengths i go to that are practical and spiritual just don’t seem to be helping. it’s this brooding depression that convinced me that maybe i need to be back on some small amount of medication….but to be honest…medication or none…my moods seem to dip to their pre-set depths and i seem to wear them like a robe. it’s been so long and i remember when i was different. i was happy, outgoing, energetic…i was a doer and i took initiative. but now…i can barely talk with people. people used to want to be around me…my phone rang and i had things going on…but now if i never left my home for a month…not a soul would notice or call to see if i was ok.

yeah the hurt is bad and it’s not just a mood thing. it is a life thing and i’m not sure i should go into it all a put it out there. but much of it started over a decision i made when i was in my early 20’s. my family never let me be anyone but that 20something person. i’m 45 now and the consequences and constant pain i’ve had to carry are honestly starting to kill me. most people who have to bear this kind of pain so intensely for so long usually get cancer or something and  are fortunate enough to be taken away from the pain. i can see how people get so sick from a soul killing pain. i don’t know why i’ve carried on as well as i have. i don’t know why i haven’t been diagnosed with something terminal. i guess my punishment has to be this…exactly what i’m talking about. i never get to escape it for long. a phone call…a comment…a sharp jab…a photo…a smell or sight and the pain is there. there is just no way to get away from it. even with all the spiritual practice i have under my wing…god i can help others…at least i used to…i believe what i tell others about dealing with their issues. but believing, practicing and having it in your heart and soul are just different things.

i have only myself to blame for the mental torture i endure every day. i did what i did over 20 years ago and i lived the resulting life. but i tried to live it well and be a good person in every way i could learn to be. but being a good person is not what makes the world right. i don’t want to  pout that the world is unfair. it is and it has to be that way. no i’m not looking for some justice and fairness. that’s not it. just a simple joy and peace of mind. but please don’t try to sell me some cure all answer for this. i’m not that desperate or gullible.  i trust God and Jesus. i believe in what AA teaches me. i love yoga and several other spiritualities. they are real and they do work. but i can’t seem to reconcile this dark shadow or cloud that follows me everywhere. i should move to montana where people go to really be alone. seeing all these happy young people, families, people in love just doesn’t…it should be happy, but it’s sad to me. i think of the family that hates me and that i can’t connect with. i think of the father who hated me so much that his last statement in this world before he died pointed to that. i miss the daughter i can’t be close to. i miss all the people and beings who’ve died or left…everyone who ever mattered to me. i’m not suicidal. i have my dogs who i really do love so much. there are good people that surround my life, but they’re not in it. i love my home and i want badly to not wish i was somewhere else. i don’t believe in geographical cures. you take yourself where ever you go. but sometimes i dream of just walking away. changing my name and not telling the new people in some new place a single thing about my life’s story. maybe if i don’t see and hear constant reminders of tremendous pain i can forget it enough to let it go. it may find me again, but i’d love a remission.

i guess i’ll just try to shower and get to a yoga class…i can fall into that world for a bit. maybe a meeting too. don’t worry….this is the norm but i thought writing it down and putting it somewhere else besides my mind might help somehow.

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