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sorry about the formatting. i can’t seem to get this to flow correctly.

i was sharing online about my fibro and of course my history as a person recovering from substance abuse and…what happened when i was treated long-term for pain management. bits of this story are strewn through out my blog. but this is a bit of how my fibro and addictions interacted. again, this is my story and my opinions…remember this is a blogg page and what i say may not work for, or be relevant to you.  this information is not to be used in place of seeking professional help. please, always discuss your situation with your practitioners. please, always do your own research.

…so i guess that leads into the substance addiction/dependence discussion. i
don’t mind sharing about it. i think it’s important to talk about
considering how many of us (fibro patients) are faced with chronic pain and often
accompanying depression. the two can often be a recipe for disaster for
anyone. keeping the issue on the front burner in the open may be people’s
best insurance. i don’t believe genetics are the only reason that dependence/addiction happens to
people. life’s circumstances can be overwhelming and with doctors often
being too willing and reckless with their prescription pads…well it can be
sad. fibro patients can be particularly vulnerable finding many of the
people closest to them pulling away or making them feel as if it must be in
their heads…”if you would just get out and do something”, “stop spending
all of your time in doctors offices and reading about it”…ughhhh with often no
where to turn, all the symptoms beating you down on you. oh, it’s
easy to understand how dependence or addiction can become an additional
issue for even the “strongest” and “most knowledgeable” of us. it happened to
me.

i was in the middle of studying for my masters in counseling. i was
interning in CA at a maximum security facility for the criminally insane, in
the Alcohol, Drug Education Program…i had been in AA for years and then
was interning with juveniles charged with felonies, doing…you got it: drug
and substance counseling (and regular counseling). with all that around me i
had to wonder how i thought it couldn’t  happen to me. i never abused or
sought out pills. i was honestly afraid of drugs….even prescription. i have been a recovering alcoholic since ’97 but it was never about anything other than alcohol. recovery was difficult with fibro constantly nagging at me. i had being prescribed vicodin on and off for several years for managing pain in my neck and shoulders. i had horrible fatigue but no one around was diagnosing chronic fatigue or
fibro then. i went on for years like that and whenever the pills ran out i just lived
with the pain. the pills never really helped the pain or had any affect on
me…that i noticed…i could take ’em or leave ’em (so i thought). i had to have surgery while i was
in CA and the chronic fatigue which had been diagnosed by then, was really
dragging me down. the surgery wasn’t serious but i was prescribed vicodin again. and the stress of recovery from a seemingly simple operation still wore on me. i began to believe the vicodin simply relieved the pain enough for me to be more active…i never noticed that by then i may have been feeling a “need” to have them. i came home and continued on with my life until i got
very sick and was diagnosed with osteomylitis…very painful. i was given
some powerful doses of pain medication and for years after that anyone would
write me a prescription for pain if they knew what i’d had. (well that and the degenerative disc disorder). i wasn’t getting “high” or consciously abusing them, i know now that i was simply trying to avoid going through withdrawal (believe me there is a difference). the
doctors who knew i was a recovering alcoholic…well they all knew…never
reviewed or considered what might be happening. it wasn’t until i blew the whistle
myself, that they all went “oh…yeah!”

 

well just suddenly stopping them was a disaster. i didn’t know why i was so “uncomfortable”…i was in “cold turkey withdrawal. the discomfort seemed intolerable and i stumbled… i relapsed with my drinking. i went down for the count and
was drinking again for almost a year and a half before i decided to pull my
head out of my…the ground.

i sobered up but still didn’t get to feeling much better. yes the fibro was
always there but there was something else still wrong. i was wrestling with unrelenting anxiety and depression. i started reading
again and i found it. i had been on klonopin for over 11 years! i missed that and no one
around me ever said anything…even after my disaster with the pain meds. long term treatment with benzodiazapines can create those symptoms in most patients and your body will be…physically dependant…meaning if you stop cold turkey you will wrestle with withdrawal. and after a short time, with out constantly upping the dose, you are no longer receiving anything more than a placebo effect…you are just avoiding going through withdrawal. the withdrawal mimics what you’re taking the drug for and resuming it simply stops the withdrawal symptoms, appearing to fix the anxiety again…and so starts a crazy cycle…but it’s a cycle that’s difficult for me to describe well. go to benzo.org for more research on the topic.
so…i endeavored to get off all the meds. my doctor said i was begging
trouble and wouldn’t help me. he closed my files. gee, if he could up and close my files after 11 years of a compliant relationship…why didn’t they pin me down and say enough already with the klonopin! i couldn’t find any doctor that would help me and with one last prescription for what was supposed to be enough
klonopin to withdraw from…yeah give huge bottles of klonopin to a person with a history of suicide…begging for trouble…but i wasn’t going to go there, even though i felt like it many times. believe me i could rant on over how betrayed i felt by my medical community after over 11 years of compliance and hard work. but i need to stay focused on “the solution”.

well, i set out to learn how to withdrawal and what to expect.
my prescriptions were going to run out and i had to do something. the
short of it is that i withdrew faster than is recommended…it was very
rough. i took just over 3 months or so. april 25 was the last day i took a dose of klonipin. no more p-meds.

that’s the short of the long of it all. i have many entries about my
withdrawal from the meds on my blog page. there is other information there
too and i touch on a lot, including my fibro. i’ve had a bit of a complex
life…not a pretty or happy story. but i’m here and plugging away. i have
bad days, really bad days and then…the wonderful good ones. i try so hard
to hang my hat on the good ones…those have to be what i see more than the
others because they are precious and few. but i can send you to my blog if
you ever want to read some. it’s off focus re fibro…i am still taking lyrica, and i’ll wait a bit before making a decision about that one. i’m not fond of it but it seems to help quiet the symptoms.

but re dependant vs addicted…i don’t think there’s a difference. look them up in the dictionary and you’ll see they cross reference. that’s
why they call them “chemical dependency units”. dependency is just a “nice”
word for addicted…perhaps a more accurately descriptive word. “addicted”
sounds ugly and has horrible connotations. i guess we see addicted people as
whoring around street corners with unsavory crowds…the depictions are not
nice. but you don’t have to be homeless and dirty to have a serious and life
threatening and life altering situation going on. i’ve met many an elderly
woman and man who never even took hardly an aspirin their entire
lives…only to find themselves “addicted” or chemically dependant in their 50’s and 60’s. there are
so many similar stories and far too many go unchecked because of the stigma.
pain management and management of chronic illness is a blemish on the medical
community and no one wants to look at it. you see if we deal with
withdrawing people safely from meds and are vigilant over people’s use of
meds then the medical community will have to admit to a bigger problem. the
fact is that dependency or addiction in america is epidemic and who knows
the number since so many poor people don’t know what’s happening to them.
either docs are leaving them on substances they’ve developed a tolerance to
or they’re just yanking them off with horrible consequences.

 whether it was my 11+ years on klonopin or my adventures with pain
medication…i may be an alcoholic but the whole romance of pills never attracted me. i trusted my doctors. i’m sure we were all doing our best, the fact that i was an alcoholic should have
been a red flag, very early on, in the management of my care. at the same time, they shouldn’t brush
myexperience under the rug because “i had a predisposition”. that just isn’t right. this happens to far too many people who go through exactly what i did…alcholic, predisposed or not. it happens. i never saw it coming…even when my
behaviour changed. i’d always trusted my doctors to watch me, even when i
couldn’t see what was going on. i never hid or lied about my alcoholism. if
i wanted to abuse drugs….i might have. i did some dishonest things once
the dependency or addiction was full blown…but i was also the one to call
it quits when i started to feel that something wasn’t right. if it had been up to them i’d still be toting bags of pills. oh i
could go on…that’s why i started a blog. i have too much to say and i’ve
read too much reliable and alarming research. i pretty much only look at the NIMH, WHO,
Mayo clinic, Harvard, Lancet and such peer reviewed articles for the most
part. i rarely pay attention to anything that does not come from a source
that i wouldn’t feel confident quoting in a graduate paper. pull a bad
source there and you’ll hear about it! there’s too much “alarming”
controversial stuff written about this topic and you have to be careful in
sourcing. i’m sure people will read my blog and perhaps they forget that this is mypersonal blogg page. i’m expressing myopinions. granted i don’t buy into conspiracy theories and i read more peer reviewed research than i need to, but what i say and write is still my opinion. this is not a medical site but what i write is a response to my personal experience and…research.

so…that’s probably more than you wanted to hear or read about this. i’m
always willing to share this information and my blog with anyone so don’t
worry about sharing this information or me as a source. i’m not a licensed
professional…just a person who’s had to learn the hard way. maybe i’ll
have my license one of these days. god willing.

gee, take care and find one thing to smile a bit about. i’m glad you asked
me about this…it helps to share. some of this is still very fresh for
me…some is soooo old. i’m sorry to hear about your dad…i have to say
that strong wasn’t the only thing that may have helped me through…call it
luck, call it god, call it some good friends…i was one of the fortunate
few. more people don’t make it than do by no fault of their own. it’s kind
of like fibro…no one wants it and if we could change it we would. the art
is in living with it i guess.

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since fibromyalgia is a complex disorder that requires a multi-disciplined approach in its treatment. there is no one correct, end-all, be-all approach for all people. in the beginning (before ’01) i had gained a lot of weight (i am typically pretty small) and my ability to exercise and manage much of anything had disappeared. not exactly the person you meet today. but from the beginning i had been advised by every doctor i saw to push through the fatigue and pain. it seemed overwhelming and i could not understand why they would ask me to do that. but i did a endless hours of research over the years and began to do what my docs and the research were telling me. i discovered focus on relaxation and exercise is many fold and is supported by all major research and medical foundations such as the arthritis foundation and mayo clinic. it seemed to me that people who were getting better  were the ones who’d found relief when they have adopted a routine including exercise, relaxation, healthy sleeping habit and other life management skills. this adaptation was not easy and i was faced with it before i had a diagnosis. i am not more motivated or have less pain than anyone else. i’m a fairly average person. so, i’ve felt hurt when people look at me and say “you’re just stronger” or “well your pain’s not that bad”. but not every day is good and fatigue drags me down to a halt during flairs.
the person you meet (on a good day) today, is not the person i had become years back. it took major attitude adjustments (2×4’s to the head, knees, legs, feet…) and learning…trying things and failing…to find some relief from the most disturbing aspects of this disorder. but first i had to become open minded and willing. the pain was in my body, but as i’ve seen with so many others in some horrible chronic situations…it’s all about the attitude! that’s no small thing. i fought everyone and didn’t think they knew what they were asking me to do! i was angry all the time. i couldn’t understand and i thought my doctors were quacks and incompetent. now, my song is changing as i’ve changed. they’ve become my partners in trying to make it through this maze. but i still get tired and the pain flairs…i still have days that i feel i can’t do anything. i have bad attitude days…and that can be expected. i have to remind myself that i didn’t make myself sick, but with help, i can get myself muchbetter. slowly i’m noticing progress. but it’s progress not perfection!
 
regarding exercise, i learned it must be geared towards the person with fibromyalgia. “regular” exercise classes are often too strenuous and fibro patients leave because they do not benefit from those. exercise done incorrectly (for a fibro patient) can, in fact, exacerbate the pain and fatigue. the gentle exercise outlined by the arthritis foundation and others will work, but it takes time and doing and must be done as regularly as possible. that coupled with correcting sleep disorders (the gentle exercise goes a long way to do that by reducing pain, raising serotonin, releasing endorphins and helping us to be tired at night…avoiding sleep during the day) because lack of sleep compounds and results in most of the symptoms fibro patients deal with, when healthy sleep patterns are restored most symptoms improve or disappear via that channel as well.
 
for me, my fibro seemed beyond debilitating…my life as i knew it stopped. for years things got worse until i couldn’t take it. it was either end this life or try this option…(yes i’ve become totally despondent and hoped for death rather than living like this). the medications never helped and any other passivetreatment i tried…didn’t help. from all research i had gathered, and on line support networks i had participated in, this is the one of the best medicines that seems to have been offered, not only to me but far too many others who i’ve communicated with or read their stories. it can sound disheartening to leave a doctor’s office with the advice being go and exercise and get better sleep (god i came to you for help and you tell me to go help myself?), but there is a reason for that. for one dr.s and research do not have a clear enough picture of what fibro is…and believe it or not…this is not the only disorder that the person with the job description of “doctor” has to deal with. with still foggy descriptions of what fibro might be and how it mightbe treated…they all do their best. the ground rules are somewhat clearer, but still, not exact or complete. rheumatologists are, at this time, the recognized specialists for fibro…at this time. that is where the major advancements are being made in treatment and diagnosis.
 
at this time there is no pill or treatment that has the long term, wide reaching benefits that countless research efforts have shown with the exercise, sleep and stress management protocols. combined, they do work if we let them. a doctor can’t do that for us…i believe that we are personally responsible for our care. i found that when i stopped being angry at the medical community and started helping myself…i improved. the reasons for that, again are multi-fold. that shift resulted in self-empowerment and knowledge which goes a long way to helping us feel better and regain a foothold in a life that has…slipped away. we regain a sense of self and self-esteem that we lost to criticism and doubt. when no one could seem to help us our self-esteem shattered as people questioned “why can’t you just pull it together and stop spending all of your time in dr.s’ offices?”…like that’s what you really wanted…but true…you were going to have to start paying rent at your dr.s’ appointments.
 
we never like to hear that “it’s all in our heads”. all chronically ill people fight that stigma at different stages of their process. but the most significant change for the better in our treatment does happen in our minds. when our outlook and attitude changes…our prognosis improves. this is true of any chronic illness or situation. fibromyalgia is not unique that way. and if you’ve read my blogg you know that i’ve dealt with a few chronic illnesses.
 
all though by no means is “exercise” the only protocol i’veused, as many disciplines are necessary to reboot a life that has been halted by fibromyalgia, hopefully the group (a new support group in town) can bring ways of implementing various protocols that are tailored to the person with fibromyalgia. while we hope for other medical progress to be made in bring relief for the major symptoms of pain and fatigue, etc, that may still be long in coming and this is the “best practice” at this time. chances are that this will always be a standard protocol as it is and has been for decades, for so many chronic disorders and well…just living well.
i will share that i take lyrica…i think it helps some but i’m not fond of the side effects. i’ve taken it regularly for several months and was on neurontin for years before it. i hope that some of the protocols i’m following might allow me to get off the lyrica too, but in time…one thing at a time.
some good fibro links:
national fibromyalgia research association: http://www.nfra.net/nfra-resource.htm
fibromyalgia network http://www.fmnetnews.com/
national fibromyalgia network: http://www.fmaware.org/site/PageServer

i guess in light of a recent suicide in my community i’m looking at an issue near to my heart and life. suicide.  in the “against medical advice” blogg the author shared an all to common experience of people who’ve woken up in the ER after an incompleted suicide, http://agmedad.wordpress.com/2008/04/10/incompleters/#comment-6509

this is the response i wrote…i need to write about this because i really can’t talk with anyone around here. it would be to “self-absorbed” for me to become introspective…what i have to share couldn’t possibly help anyone i know. but i’ve been there and who can better tell you about the moon…the astronaut who walked on the moon or the man looking through a telescope.

funny how people react to suicide. we recently lost a member of our community to suicide. it’s been hard for me to be around everyone as they “mourn” and deal with the shock and all of the “what could we have dones…”. i’m a suicide survivor. my last go ’round was the most grave and was unknown to others for over a year. i never attempted to get attention except everyone seems to think that a “failed” attempt is an attention getting “gesture”. NOT! it was very personal and after my last attempt i shut down completely…not eating, not talking…just staring…i lay on my sofa for months and prayed for god to just let me stop breathing. i always hear from people around me that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. but my problem has been around my whole life. i began suicide attempts when i was a very young child. i’m sure there are several of us that did, but no one recognized eating poisons as a toddler as being anything other than the result of a lack of supervision or accidental. for me it was painfully intentional. in the process of being punished when i was about 5 my father told me what “dead” was. i knew that eating deadly nightshade berries would “make me dead”…so i did…often. and i never stopped trying. my last attempt was in june of ’05 and i’m almost 45. this was no temporary problem.
 
i have had numerous horrible experiences in the ERs over the years. believe me…i really didn’t want to wake up there either. but their cruel words went to the sticking place and echoed in an already angst ridden mind. this anger that the medical community and even mental health community has regarding suicide is more damaging to a suicidal person. in an ER they only see you that night and they have NO information about what brought you there. the suicide itself is only a small part of a much larger picture. and granted i know of people who threaten and gesture suicide as a manipulation and as a means of getting attention. it is those people who’ve given the rest of us a bad rap. they do not mean business. it’s non the less serious as even manipulative gestures can result in death. but all the more reason to treat anyone who is suicidal with compassion and concern. i know suicide is scary to face for all involved parties and i know there is a concern that giving too much attention to a suicide attempt may reinforce the attention seeking aspect for some patients…but that is not true for all of us.
 
perhaps if people were more willing to address my suicides (they were not attempts…parts of me died each time) as a serious issue i might have been able to come back…i am still not well in that area of my life. i think i might romance death until i pass over. i don’t feel suicidal now but i have to admit that i always romance the thought. i hold it private to me because i’m all to aware of the cold and stony hearts that turn on you when people know. i stay away from people sometimes just because of the “me and them” in this whole area…it does drive much of my life all the time. it never goes away. it’s like a homesickness of sorts. and while i do deal with life problems often in very healthy ways and i live life with seemingly more joy than some…it’s always there. i do treasure life and maybe i value the good times so much more because i know that they are gifts i shouldn’t be experiencing. i don’t wallow in self pity…i’m not a glum, depressive, brooding or self-absorbed person as many would identify a suicidal person to be. having a second chance is something i am grateful for. but i wish i didn’t feel such an outsider as this ER doctor would wish us to feel.
 
the pain is real. the pain is often a life long experience and there are suicides that aren’t for attention or solving a temporary problem. maybe it’s simply wanting put an end to having to try just to damn hard to live. and docs like this…they don’t help those who deal with sucidality as a lifelong issue. i stopped trying so hard to live. my attitude of “i don’t care” is often brutal and destroys most ambitions that dare to peak my interest. while i have “bursts” of ambition and hope…i honestly live my life at 10% most of the time. i can’t seem to die but i can’t live well either. i don’t see the point in trying to die anymore as i believe this decision has to be god’s. reading and hearing things like this article are sad. but i’m glad you’re posting this and i’m glad people are seeing and discussing this prevailing attitude because it is deadly.
thank you for the post.
this is an exerpt from an article about suicidal children:
Many people have thought that the main reason that children and adolescents try to kill themselves is to manipulate others or get attention or as a “cry for help”. However, when children and adolescents are actually asked right after their suicide attempts, their reasons for trying suicide are more like adults. For a third, their main reason for trying to kill themselves is they wanted to die. Another third wanted to escape from a hopeless situation or a horrible state of mind. Only about 10% were trying to get attention. Only 2% saw getting help as the chief reason for trying suicide. The children who truly wanted to die were more depressed, more angry, and were more perfectionistic. read more: http://www.healthyplace.com/communities/depression/children_9.asp

 i was going to delete this, but then i pulled back and read the whole thing…i could see my thought process as i was having a “borderline melt down”. even though my focus, in this blog, is on my withdrawal from meds and fibromyalgia, i have lived as a recovering borderline amongst other things. boy can my thoughts bounce around and i spared the laundry list! but watch the process! the fear, resentment, paranoia, blaming…oh what an angry little girl i can still be! (description of BPD below)

feeling well seems to be a blessing and a curse. i haven’t been around to write on this blog for awhile now…and i’m sure, if i continue with the work i’m trying to do, that my time will continue to be restricted but, i’m having a day…well several by now…that is leaving me feeling horrible. i can’t seem to be able to talk with anyone about all that is going on but i’m feeling guilty for having tried to choose a better path for my daughter, surviving several sincere suicide attempts, recovering from alcoholism and getting off addicting meds! yes, sometimes i honestly wish my path had zigged instead of zagged at all of these points. i’m screaming at god and looking at people who i thought were my friends and wondering why there is so much resentment and anger…why does it have to be mine too.

i’m usually fairly good at dodging emotional bullets…my whole life has been made up of that. but when there are just too many bullets in the air…god i wish i were wonder woman with the large amulets. but i’m not. i’m just a person, alone, trying to go with the flow and make the best decisions i can. even best of intentions often seem to be thrown back in your face with added crap.

i can’t apologize for being born into a rich family. that was never the grace that so many people seem to think it was. i’m slowly trying to pull up my boot strings over the fact that my father died and i was the only one not mentioned in his will. (this just happened september of ’07.) he mentioned his dogs, home health aids, brother’s grandchildren, other family members and the remainder to my daughter. this was the end of a bitter, life long struggle for a father’s love. the manipulative act of leaving everything to my daughter just…doesn’t suprise me. he can continue to reach out from the grave and manipulate.  and he’s succeeded. there is nothing more i can ever do and my father’s last efforts on this planet were to let people know just how much he hated me. his decisions have left a continued destruction of what family remains as they take that as a final declaration to what a horrible person i am. loss, loss and more loss compounded with judgement…from friends and family. god can anyone just stop gossiping and talk to me. talk to me about the truth? this world is not fair and i won’t yell “not fair”. that is a law i accepted a long time ago. i never set out looking for justice or fairness…life is not just and redemption is rare. i have never set out to intentionally hurt anyone but my actions are constantly interpreted as having ulterior motives and i can honestly say that i never set out to do good to gain anything other than to set back and see good done. i never want my name attached and i try to do as much anonymously as i can. i flinch if people talk of my good deeds publicly. but i do glow when i see good things happen. why wouldn’t anyone. i guess i try extra hard to those ends. i think it is the effort that offends people. i think it is that, i use my free time and resources to help others when ever i have them…often though to the extent of over extending myself. i don’t do that to martyr or put others to shame…no, i love to share in the efforts when ever possible but if no one else picks up on the work i feel obligated to finish what i start. if i did harm it wasn’t intentional and believe me when i say i live with the consequences and constant, nagging, resurfacing painful reminders. i don’t say this as an excuse…i don’t believe in excuses…but i need to remember that i’ve been a very sick person for most of my life and i’ve been tossed out and alone in trying to manage a very messed up life.  i don’t expect others to carry that burden, but i do wish others could view my decisions with some compassion and a bit of respect. i tried to do the very best i could. this seems to have become some sort of battle cry and i don’t think life should be such a battle. a person needs a resting point…some forgiveness and “you did the best you could”. because…i have addressed my illness and i have worked so, so hard to recover from illnesses most people do not recover from. but when i get slammed from all sides i wish i could still hide behind my illness. but, i don’t want to be forced back into the darkness of borderline, bipolar, eating disorders, alcoholism, addiction…too much. i just want to be and at times i think i just want to be alone. people are too hard for me to navigate. but i’m human and i get lonely. i guess that’s why i turn to writing on here. every once in awhile i peek my head out into the world of the living only to do a hasty retreat from their games. i’m not that savvy…i don’t navigate the game playing world of soap operas. it’s too prevalent in the circles i frequent…and i need to frequent them because my continued recovery depends on it. but, the very help i need is equally capable of undoing and destroying the progress i make. it seems that people only want you around if you’re down and failing but the moment you’re doing well and having some small successes they make a world of controversy over what you’re trying to do. i avoid a lot of group activities because i don’t “play well with others”. i try to grow with this issue…. i may be so much healthier now, but i guess basic human skills continue to elude me. but i have to ask if i’m more plugged in now than i allow the feed back to tell me. maybe that i’m having friction around these sick people (who i thought were healthier people) is a sign that i’m better and maybe i’m swimming in the wrong pool. i’ve invested 11 years of my life trying to live up to certain principles. not perfectly, but consistently.  i get worn down like this often and maybe it’s my depression. no, it’s the borderline thoughts in my head.

god…i’m blabbering and unraveling here.

i haven’t been able to tend to myself and i’ve become caught up in “friendships”, not of my choosing, that are very sick. some people are seriously disturbed. i should know better than to help people who present as borderlines! yes, they can jump in to call me a “friend” but that’s not what i am…with newly recovering, sick people, that’s how it goes…as a person just beginning on the road, a borderline, isn’t really capable of being a friend to anyone…not even themslevles. when you are struggling with so many inside voices you can’t consider anything going on outside of your mind. i’ve heard it when i’ve suggested helping another as a way towards recovering: “why should i help her…she doesn’t have anything to offer me“. now…i can see what helping another person can do for me…but it’s still a difficult path for me to walk. shoot i know what i was like…and being one doesn’t always leave you better off in seeing one. my heart goes out to people in the throws of this disorder. i grew up in the midst of a borderline family, but i got out…i want to stay out.  borderlines will always try to pull you into that hole with them. while having been a deeply disturbed bpd, i still have to agree that borderlines are the most dangerous population in the mental health world to tangle with. besides my own recovery process, i have read extensively and if you have done your home work then you know that i’m not damning anyone…bpd means seriously sick…

but this disorder is like no other as it is an affliction of the personality and not a “chemical imbalance” or organic brain syndrome. most simply, it is learned and must be unlearned. if you know the difference and where that falls on the nosology…i needn’t say more. i’m not saying that borderlines don’t need help, but you have to be very skilled and armed…set up to do the job. not being able to handle the disorder well is just as destructive, if not maybe more, than not trying at all. what they write about borderlines is true…i lived it and i remember what i was like…

i see what the remnants of borderline are still like in my life. i may have had significant recovery but really, the volume is just turned down very low…i am still borderline, just to a lesser degree…much lesser. i never want to see that volume turned up again. when i get scared and unravel as i’m doing now…the volume seems to want to get louder…that is the process of that disorder. it is a cacophony of destructive voices going off in your head…fighting the whole world and your self.

damnit! busted! ok, i see what’s going on…i was sitting outside, frittering away over a laundry list of resentments and woes. wow can some people throw zingers at me if they want to hurt me…and then i throw in a few myself…that’s it! ok…nothing is really wrong”here. sitting down to write this out when i couldn’t find anyone to talk to, is helping here. my wonderful psychologist walked me down this path, kicking and screaming for over 7 years and now…if i remember her lead…i can, with in reason, navigate that path alone when i must. and…i must do it alone a lot. with borderline…sometimes you get hit with a big one and sometimes small, but the blows can come in rapid succession and the voices can become very athoritarian!LOL in my “down” times, when my reserves are low (and they come as a direct result of neglecting my personal care), i can feel like i’m driving down a road loaded with speed bumps at 50 mph and that is a lot to lay on other people.

that is how us borderlines suck the souls out of others. to compound that…i was trying to give a hand up to another borderline and she grabbed my hand and started the long sustained pull of the borderline. a little is never enough and enough is never enough. we are vacuous, black holes! i know! i need, need, need…and on a bad day i can become a whiny six year old in just moments. thank god i can usually detect that rush of borderline behavior when it begins to seep in. sometimes i can’t be objective and the behavior carries me away.

i have to watch “people, places and things” as they say in my support group. i have to check and recheck my intentions, because i can slide down that darn slippery slope of borderline behavior…which is so much more insidious than my alcoholism (but the two play darn well together). constantly, i have to ask myself “why are you doing this”. it can be exhausting, keeping the disorder in check, but i count my blessings that i was given the insight to do it. it was a lot of sacrifice on the part of my psychologist and a scary road of trust and surrender on mine. i continue to seek guidance from other qualified people. managing this disorder gets easier as we get older…perhaps wiser. life won’t be perfect…but is it for anyone? being honest and realistic are two qualities i try so hard to embrace every day. doubt and those darn voices can try to destroy my serenity but i am the final word on what happens with my thoughts. i don’t have to act on every thought and i can surely just release most of them.

so, thoughts, fly away now…

i should garden and play with my dogs for a bit.

peace out

what is BPD?:

Raising questions, finding answers

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a serious mental illness characterized by pervasive instability in moods, interpersonal relationships, self-image, and behavior. This instability often disrupts family and work life, long-term planning, and the individual’s sense of self-identity. Originally thought to be at the “borderline” of psychosis, people with BPD suffer from a disorder of emotion regulation. While less well known than schizophrenia or bipolar disorder (manic-depressive illness), BPD is more common, affecting 2 percent of adults, mostly young women.1 There is a high rate of self-injury without suicide intent, as well as a significant rate of suicide attempts and completed suicide in severe cases.2,3 Patients often need extensive mental health services, and account for 20 percent of psychiatric hospitalizations.4 Yet, with help, many improve over time and are eventually able to lead productive lives.

Symptoms

While a person with depression or bipolar disorder typically endures the same mood for weeks, a person with BPD may experience intense bouts of anger, depression, and anxiety that may last only hours, or at most a day.5 These may be associated with episodes of impulsive aggression, self-injury, and drug or alcohol abuse. Distortions in cognition and sense of self can lead to frequent changes in long-term goals, career plans, jobs, friendships, gender identity, and values. Sometimes people with BPD view themselves as fundamentally bad, or unworthy. They may feel unfairly misunderstood or mistreated, bored, empty, and have little idea who they are. Such symptoms are most acute when people with BPD feel isolated and lacking in social support, and may result in frantic efforts to avoid being alone.

People with BPD often have highly unstable patterns of social relationships. While they can develop intense but stormy attachments, their attitudes towards family, friends, and loved ones may suddenly shift from idealization (great admiration and love) to devaluation (intense anger and dislike). Thus, they may form an immediate attachment and idealize the other person, but when a slight separation or conflict occurs, they switch unexpectedly to the other extreme and angrily accuse the other person of not caring for them at all. Even with family members, individuals with BPD are highly sensitive to rejection, reacting with anger and distress to such mild separations as a vacation, a business trip, or a sudden change in plans. These fears of abandonment seem to be related to difficulties feeling emotionally connected to important persons when they are physically absent, leaving the individual with BPD feeling lost and perhaps worthless. Suicide threats and attempts may occur along with anger at perceived abandonment and disappointments.

People with BPD exhibit other impulsive behaviors, such as excessive spending, binge eating and risky sex. BPD often occurs together with other psychiatric problems, particularly bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety disorders, substance abuse, and other personality disorders.

Treatment

Treatments for BPD have improved in recent years. Group and individual psychotherapy are at least partially effective for many patients. Within the past 15 years, a new psychosocial treatment termed dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) was developed specifically to treat BPD, and this technique has looked promising in treatment studies.6

read more:  http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/borderline-personality-disorder.shtml

seeking aid for addictions in prescripton meds: this was an interesting blog by “oasis avanced wellness”,  discussing an issue near and dear to my heart…taking meds, often in place of adjusting lifestyle and even when taking it in an effort to work on lifestyle issues…the side effects and direct effects can undermine your best efforts. in addition the liabilty of risk of depression and suicide no doubt out weigh any risks one might find in using support groups, individual counseling and life style classes to manage addictive behaviour.

Risk of depression dims hopes for anti-addiction pills
By MARILYNN MARCHIONE / 4 days ago

CHICAGO (AP) – Two years ago, scientists had high hopes for new pills that would help people quit smoking, lose weight and maybe kick other tough addictions like alcohol and cocaine.

The pills worked in a novel way, by blocking pleasure centers in the brain that provide the feel-good response from smoking or eating. Now it seems the drugs may block pleasure too well, possibly raising the risk of depression and suicide. read more: http://www.oasisadvancedwellness.com/health-articles/2008/04/big-pharma-markets-vice-pills-despite.html

if you have fibromyalgia you have wrestled with your mental acuity and cognitive functions but probably have been told that “what you’re going through is just normal” or maybe “you’re hypersensitive” and you feel like you’re going crazy!  well this research piece from the national fibromyalgia association may help you feel validated…people with FMS do experience loss of cognitive function…

Cognitive Function & Fibromyalgia

by Jennifer Glass, Ph.D. and Denise Park, Ph.D., The University of Michigan

“I can deal with the pain, but the memory and thinking problems really worry me.”  “The physical symptoms weren’t as frightening as the memory problems.”  “The most devastating effect for me has been the cognitive impairment.”

If you have fibromyalgia (FM), then these quotes may describe what you have felt as well. Many FM patients complain of cognitive (or mental) symptoms such as memory failures (both long-term and short-term), difficulties with attention, and with finding the right words. Our research focuses on these cognitive problems in FM patients.

Our research shows that there really is cognitive dysfunction in FM patients.  read the article: http://www.fmaware.org/site/News2?page=NewsArticle&id=5280

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my counselor and i began discussing polarity therapy…energy work. i wanted to read more about what exactly it was. i’m very familiar with a variety of yoga, meditation and have had reiki, massage and acupuncture work done…but i wanted to know more about polarity therapy because this is just another area that  can use improvement when one is trying to work towards a healthy lifestyle. so here’s a good, straight forward article, from the american polarity therapy association, on what polarity work is: http://www.polaritytherapy.org/page.asp?PageID=24

an interesting book that my counselor gave me by caroline myss, phd, called “why people don’t heal and how they can” (also wrote “anatomy of the spirit”) deals with incorporating energy work into a holistic mind, body, spirit approach to healing. now i know the title might put you off, but i’ve been following other works that deal with “road blocks” in healing and this is a positive and good read if you’re experiencing “being stuck”.

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0609802240/interactiveda936-20

i’ve been at this “wellness” gig for over 20 years. i began searching out many spiritual and nutrition based approaches as a teenager. initially i was concerned with the usual teenage issues like acne and weight but what i discovered, worked, so i stuck with it. as i was digging around that community, which was very small back then, i met a lot of people and was turned on to a variety of readings and experiences. i was learning about ways to heal some deep inner pains that i was already wrestling with, and having some horrible consequences from very bad, maladaptive behaviour and personality issues. i became a devout buddhhist in my early twenties and the search continued. but i am convinced from the many positive experiences that i’ve had, that this whole arena of mind, body, spirit healing is key for living well.

i still struggle with a lot. i’m not whining, but life just can never be normal for me. i keep stumbling across huge hurdles and crashing into brick walls. by now my problems must largely be due to brain damage from all of my collisions with life! but MRIs and other say that, anatomically, i seem “normal”. my gastro. dr came into the room a few days back, sat down and looked at me squarely and said “your tests are normal but…you are not!” and we laughed.

so, after over 11 years on a battery of psych meds for bipolar and spotty treatments for fibromyalgia, i felt i was not longer benefiting from the pharmaceuticals and was going broke in the pursuit of maintaining that. i guess i’m finding out that no matter which direction you go in…if you live out here…it’s not going to cheap and access to help is going to be limited. moving is not an option for me. so i have to work with what i   can  learn to do.

just what can i do from learning? i can maintain a healthy diet and exercise (walking, yoga, physical therapy). i can work on my spirituality (reading, AA, community). i have limited access to a counselor but she’s great and that’s what counts. books and videos are helpful. i have a good thing with my AA community and they do what they can (moral support and other help). there’s the phone, which can be my lifeline on days that i’m not doing well. the internet provides many opportunities to learn of up to date information on nutrition, techniques and therapies. while attending classes and having practitioners would be optimal…you do what you can. at best, things can get frustrating…very.  but when the rewards appear and even if they’re small, it’s great. you learn to appreciate the small things because healing from life long spiritual wounds and chronic issues is a slow process. i may rush with some things but i can’t afford to be down for long or maintain costly therapies that i have no funds for. but much of my process is about patience…the patient practices can be a long and lonely journeys some days and it’s easy to get despondent when you are just plain hurting and down. i’m not a monk…i’m just human…a sick human trying to heal.

while i’m off all of my “psych” meds i am still taking lyrica. i don’t think i’m fond of the lyrica? i take melatonin and it does help me  sleep very well and i wake up feeling good. i ran out of guaifenesin a couple days ago and found out just how much that was helping my fibromyalgia. i ran into the 4 corner town a few miles down the road to see if they just had something containing guaifenesin…i didn’t think they’d have what i take, but i found it…after half an hour i was feeling much more on track. gaufinesen an oddball therapy for fibro but it was in the book my dr. gave me and i thought i could try it…it seems to really help. (Fibromyalgia and Chronic Myofascial Pain: A Survival Manual (2nd Edition) by Devin J. Starlanyl and Mary Ellen Copeland)  also a good article on guaifenesin therapy: http://www.fibromyalgiatreatment.com/Articles_HYSTERIA.htm for now, i’ll take any help, because simply being able to do anything but lay on the sofa is an improvement and i need to be able to be up, moving around and communicating. i’ve got a lot of writing to do and i’m just trying to avoid it right now!