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i haven’t been on line for a very long time. being able to pay attention and put even a few words together, focusing on a topic has been out of my reach for a while. i finished taking the klonopin and all of my meds april 25, ’08. it hasn’t been long. but the withdrawal, rebound…what was going on…not a good time.

but, knock on wood, i think things are getting a dab better. i do have some pretty “normal” days that all my senses are intact, my mind seems to be working well but i guess the best feeling is just not feeling “me”…my body or mind. no, i’m not saying i’m numbed out. it was just the constant bombardment of symptoms, side effects, psychological stuff…i was just too aware of me. it’s nice to walk around and be able to see, smell, hear, pay attention to other things that are going on. withdrawal began to feel like the worst prison i could imagine…trapped in my own, very sick and going crazy body!

i like feeling like i’m in touch with the world around me. usually i say that and hear that from others when they’re recovering from alcoholism and addictions! been down that block. this was worse…way worse. but i can cry and sometimes laugh…i do some creative things and have really gotten into cleaning out and organizing my sinfully messy home…i had lost all emotions but had anger, depression and severe anxiety. those bad ones are still with me, but they are much more quiet. i did decide to take some very low doses of two meds that are pretty weak in the spectrum of psych meds, but i’m sure they’re still not great for me. i just needed a break and those tiny doses of neurontin and wellbutrin have given me a holding place i think. i think i’ll rest here for a few months and then regroup and reassess.

so…i’ve been running a support group for fibromyalgia for all these months that i’ve been absent. i will also start yoga teacher training in september. let’s hope i can maintain…i think i can if i just believe.

after all…faith is all i really have. i have to believe.

peace!

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from fiercepharma:

5. FDA probe clears generic Wellbutrin

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Listen to all those generics makers heaving sighs of relief. The FDA has given the thumbs-up to Teva’s generic Wellbutrin XL, which has been under investigation since early last year. Patients who’d switched from GlaxoSmithKline’s branded form of 300 mg pill to Teva’s Budeprion XL 300 mg complained that the drug simply didn’t work. They also cited new side effects such as headaches and anxiety. ConsumerLab.com tested the copycat drug, finding that it released 34 percent of its active ingredient within two hours, compared with 8 percent for the branded form.

The FDA, however, concluded that the generic is “bioequivalent and therapeutically equivalent.” The agency cited some “small differences” in the two different formulations, but said they’re not outside the boundaries for equivalence. Depression does tend to recur, the agency said, so patients may simply have begun a new episode at the same time they switched meds.

But ConsumerLab.com said the FDA cites bioequivalency data not for the 300 mg pill in question but for the 150 mg form. “On top of that, the data they have clearly shows the drug is releasing much faster than the original,” said lab chief Tod Cooperman, calling the agency’s conclusion “a huge leap of faith.”

Teva, on the other hand, says it’s pleased with the outcome. And so are other generics makers, no doubt. If the agency had found Teva’s version wanting, who knows what new regulations and trials new generics might have had to withstand?

– read the story in the LA Times
– check out the Pharmalot item

Related Articles:
Biovail loses effort to stop generic Wellbutrin. Report
Teva plans aggressive move into biogenerics. Report

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looking at how withdrawal can trigger other disorders like fibromyalgia and considering how to perceive and treat the symptoms. trying to find balance and watching how i can even abuse my own “natural highs”. laughter is a great medicine. remembering the freedoms and habits we came by naturally as children can aid us in how to re develop lost habits that will help us as adults. how does everyone navigate their mazes of healthy living?

hi,
i’ve been out trying to catch up on all that has been let slide, while the withdrawal process has been a little too rough to manage well. this spring weather and sun has been great medicine. and…i’m so sick of being stuck inside over the winter, not feeling well, that i just have to be out there in the sun! but i’m at .25mg of klonopin and hanging in there with the lyrica (and yes, the lyrica is a bit of a problem for me). i’m glad to say that i’m substance free, barring those two! (off lamictal, neurontin and wellbutrin to name a few) it’s progress! soon they’ll be gone too.

since i have my withdrawal tied into a re appearance of my fibromyalgia…navigating between what is fibro and what’s benzo withdrawal has seemed difficult. i guess i’m feeling that it doesn’t matter which is causing symptoms since they’re nearly identical. the protocol for managing either of them is really the same. so i feel trying to fritter away over the details may be time just…frittered away.

has anyone experienced such co existing conditions? i think the “trauma” of withdrawal triggered the fibro, as it might trigger other similar conditions (chronic pain, CFS). i’ve read a lot of research on fibro and usually there is a “traumatic” event (illness, loss, etc) that precipitates the initial onset of fibro and once you have fibro…such events will trigger a reappearance of symptoms.

since my ultimate goal is to be free of pharmaceutical drugs…i don’t want to follow my dr.s’ impulse to pull out the prescription pad at the appearance of a new symptom. fibro and benzo withdrawal host a variety of shared symptoms…that’s just how it is. but, we all seem to be on the same page now and my docs and i seem to agree that, for me, consistently working towards lifestyle adjustments are the best medicine.

maintaining momentum is hard. there are many times that i don’t feel i have the energy, or i have too much pain to deal with the physical therapy, staying on a certain nutritional path and doing all that i need to do to support myself. but when i can get myself on a roll…create a momentum from the time i wake up (yes, personal velocity!)…and maintain it, i do better. yes it’s a struggle. i get very frustrated as my symptoms and treatment pull me in seemingly opposite directions at times. it takes everything i have, to get going in the right direction and maintain it. i often want to stop and nap, but if i slow down part way through the day, i will find myself down for the count, feeling achy and bad. i need to maintain my momentum and use my personal velocity techniques. (the physics of the mind…a great topic!)

finding balance is hard. when i feel good…i really feel good (compared to having felt horrible for months)…i just want to go all out and…for example: i’m walking with a friend…we’re naturally high energy and kind of competitive…the walk will turn into walk/jog…then walk/run and of course it ends in a few races. i’m flying and laughing and it feels just so darn freeing and great! but then…there are the consequences of “over doing it”. i will usually go down for the count, for a day or even two for even a small burst of exertion! i guess it’s similar to being on a restricted diet for diabetes and taking a taste of a desert…well then it tastes so good you eat the whole thing and boom! the sugar high and then crash. well, and the temptation of anything mildly addicting as even exercise can be is hard to resist…as a bipolar…moderation is hard word to pull into my vocabulary…i love my “highs”…i’m also a long recovering alcoholic and addict and believe me…that also lends to my nature of “excess and exploitation”. yes, i can be addicted and abuse my own “feel good” chemicals that my body generates. i can trip my body into full production and ride that puppy! harmless? in excess, actually it does hurt me. abusing my own biological highs will drag me down. and i know a lot of people with similar histories to mine discover and exploit…for example…the “runners high”. another interesting topic to chase!

laughter helps pain, depression, immune system, etc. at least laughing, which helps my pain and depression immensely,  has no ill side effects (for an average person, not post surgery etc.). i can laugh to excess…well except for being seen as obnoxious by those not partaking…there really is nothing bad that can come of excessive laughing. so, laughing is a luxury i can indulge in. i do make an effort to laugh and my friends know the routine. i know all the good places to score a laugh from. i had to take a friend to “evil wal mart” the other day. if you go to the childrens’ toy section…seek out toys like “tickle me elmo”…set off as many as you can. juvenile…yes. but in matters such as these…the need to score a laugh…who cares what anyone thinks! it is never right to score laughter at another person’s expense (it’s not good for your karma, etc). no, no one or thing should be damaged in the process. well, some things can be damaged…i had a pile of old records that had been left in my garage…they’d been water damaged…i had brought my bb gun over and was shooting cans (yes, juvinile hill billy entertainment), but then we decided to play skeet with the records. i shouted “pull”, my friend tossed an album and i shot it in the center area! we laughed and played album skeet for awhile. the album i shot was an old grateful dead album. well…it was dead already.

finding the good, healthy habits in my childhood. i think of things that made me laugh when i was a child. it seems children laugh more often and more freely than adults do. it’s another healthy skill we loose as adults. we’re so groomed to behave ourselves and act like adults that it can smother the very healthful skills that can keep us well. (belly breathing is another skill well loose as we “mature”.)

yes, thinking back to my younger years, unfolds many answers to health in my…gulp…middle age.

so, that’s where the bb gun came from…my youth. when we were younger we spent a lot of time in the northwoods of wisconsin. our parents would be inside playing cards, talking and drinking beer. we’d go in and collect cans as they were emptied, put them up on the log pile and shoot them with a bb gun. as long as the cans kept coming we had a good time. it doesn’t matter that there was always a great presence of alcohol and drinking and thus the behavior issues…darn it the cans and shooting are what i’m going to remember! i may have not had the greatest childhood but i do have many good times i can refer to. looking back at my childhood in this way also helps me “reframe” what has been such a sad portion of my life. i’m learning to pull these great positive things from what was a dark and murky area. gradually, my childhood is becomming a wonderful resource! cool side effect.

looking at how withdrawal can trigger other disorders like fibromyalgia and considering how to perceive and treat the symptoms. i look towards embracing my personal velocity to hold on to my momentum which will carry me through the day. trying to find balance and watching how i can even abuse my own “natural highs”. laughter is a great medicine. remembering the freedoms and habits we came by naturally as children can aid us in how to re develop lost habits that will help us as adults.

just how does everyone else find their way through the mazes that can lead to healthy living?

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well…i haven’t written or really been on line for the last few days. i’m a bit rushed this morning but, i guess when you get to feeling better for a bit, things get busy as you paddle to catch up. and there’s just the catching up inspite of not feeling great. the darn fibro alone simply wears on me, trying to make all my appointments and obligations. when i get home i can barely focus to read, let alone write.

i still maintain that getting off the benzos is a good thing…it’s means so much to be completely clean and then, “on top” of what is going into my body and how it’s affecting me.  while i want to rush and just dump this last .25 mgs, i will have to try to be patient…this weekend i’ll cut to about .13mgs, then i will be off the benzo/klonopin by the next weekend. there will be “aftershocks” even after the final dose…but i’m familiar with that route. being a recovering alcoholic who was addicted to pain meds for years as well, has offered me many “benefits” in this arena…my personal experience and mostly those of my peers!

i have several friends who’ve successfully detoxed off pmeds and are living good lives now. they inspire me.

i will be off all of my meds when i take that last klonopin in less than 2 weeks! that means no more: lamictal, wellbutrin, neurontin and klonopin as well as a mix of other prn meds.

geesh…the docs were all too willing to get me dosed up for over a decade…well two…but where did they go when i wanted help getting off an addicting benzodiazapine that was only being maintained…really…to avoid going through withdrawal. after the first couple of months the benzo was no longer providing the desired effect at 2-3mgs! i was hanging in some suspended place all of those years…the dose simply being like a “space holder”. attempts to go off did reveal symptoms…OF WITHDRAWAL! but the doc and all, had me convinced that those symptoms were from my “illness”, i needed to stay on the klonopin…and no one…NOT ONE professional ever suggested, strongly enough, that prolonged use of a benzo could be causing the chronic depression and fatigue i had succumbed to after a the first couple of years of adhering to my doctors orders with my meds! granted i was wresting with the fibro too…but all the more reason to get clean!

i know i may be moving fast compared to the schedule many others maintain. there are many who do agree with my approach and have done a similar program. but, i have no physician or practioner supporting and guiding what i’m doing (not by choice). the side effects roll in like the waves in the ocean…but there would be side effects if i went slow and i can’t see dealing with this discomfort for a year if i can bear with it all for about a total of no more than 12 weeks. yes that’s me sticking to a schedule even if it’s rough on my body. but staying on this drug is more damaging than getting off could ever be.

i take a lot of supportive measures with nutrition, meditation, exercise, laughter and friends. for me, i have to try to be on track by june to hopefully start back to classes

yes, our bodys do tend to follow their own schedule but…if i followed this darn body around i don’t know where i’d be! probably where i am, because that’s what i’ve been doing!

…so i rush…at this point no set of symptoms can trump what i deal with, having fibromyalgia, and thus set me back to changing my approach to my taper schedule. as i see it…if i back off my schedule…maintain or up the klonopin dsg to way-lay symptoms…i’m prolonging the inevitable. i’m already sick and draging, so what’s a little more if i can have this over with in as timely a maner as possible. i’ve lost so many years and time is precious.

 it’s been a rough and bumpy ride. the days are unpredictable packages of fog, fritz, fatigue and pain, punctuated with a clarity that motivates me to get clean. i’m so grateful to be able to detox…

many won’t have the chance to detox for a variety of reasons.

rough as detox is…it is a gift.

there is no pain-free, side effect free, way to withdraw from anything! i know this from experience…mine and other’s.

i have had many good hours but few completely good days. when i feel good i have a habit of “binging” on my available energy and lack of pain. of course the flip side is that i get wiped out, and feel the “hurt” of my fibro. i think the lyrica is being helpful, the most severe pain symptoms have abated, but i fight the fog and jittery feelings (which can be debilitating).

i don’t want to mess with the lyrica right now because the only thing i’m changing for now, is the decreasing doses of klonopin. a few weeks after the klonopin is gone i’ll work with my physician to tweek the lyrica and make decisions about managing my fibro. with the flood of symptoms i have from detox it’s hard to weed out which symptom is attributed to detox and which belongs to the fibro. oh, lest we forget this issue of bipolar… so one thing at a time.

my driving reason for wanting off all of my pmeds was the crazy overlap and layering of drugs that led me to where i just couldn’t tell what emotions and situations were me or my meds!

from now on the motto is to “keep it very simple and stay the course”.

and for now,

peace out!

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yesterday was an interesting day…i started off feeling pretty bad….fatigue, anxiety, brain zaps…but i was asked to give a lead so i had to pull it together and get into town in the later afternoon. i went to my women’s mtg (AA) and it was interesting. later i ran into a girl was having a very bad time dealing with her fibro and i went up and talked with her…we weaved through the usual and interesting thing…she mentioned the drugs she was on and said that a tiny amount of cymbalta had really helped her but then she mentioned the lyrica and i told her i was on that too. she said it was giving her tachicardia and anxiety type feelings…kind of like if you’d drank too much coffee! wow, i had to tell here that i had been having that problem too but that i was attributing it to detoxing off benzos. hmmmm, ok…then i gave another girl a ride to where i was going to give my lead and on the way we weaved through our med nightmares. we had both wrestled with lamictal and were comming off klonopin but then she said she’d been given lyrica (she wasn’t in on the previous conversation) and she said it made her feel like she’d drank too much coffee and i just blurted “me too!”. 

(aside here…fellow bloggers…what happened to the spell checker when they changed the format here? i reeeeally need it) 

so, this morning i opened my 150mg. lyrica and poured about half of it out…not the most exact way but my eye is pretty good and i can’t afford to get another prescription for 75’s right now. i know i won’t get a good reception if i say i want off so i’ve grown to avoid that discussion with my docs. but i don’t want to stay on this anymore.

i seem to see a trend in that, the more refined a drug is the worse the side effects seem to be. now i took neurontin (gabapentin, and lyrica is pregabalin…they’re related) and really had no lingering side effects (that i could notice) but it never made me real jittery like the lyrica. it could give me a lift at times but…so with all the bad press on lyrica…and i don’t have time to pull articles right now…

i want off my lyrica. since i’m in this rural and kinda underserved area and my docs are just not into my being off my meds i have to do what i can on my own. not medically sound but, around here the sound medical thing seems to be to load up on meds! so…i’ll be “unsound” for now. the worse thing that can happen (and i have well over 11 years of dealing with these drugs so…), is i won’t feel so super great…but anxiety and depression don’t freak me out and i have healthy ways of dealing with even extreme feelings…they’re not emotions…they are feelings from the meds, and for me…i can tell the difference.

worse comes to worse…i go to sleep…breath deep…go to my “special place” (guided imagery)…and sleep it off. i do some stretching, yoga and even when i feel like my hair’s going to fly off and my eyes pop out…i get outside, play with my dogs and throw out some laughs and “i love you”s. yes it’s the “fake it ’til you make it”, “behave your way into right thinking” and old “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” approach. (please bear with my tough gal stuff…things do get very bad for me too) but having few medical resources…being very familiar with my body and mind…having a lot of discipline in yoga, meditation etc., i can usually pull my “rough rider” approach to surviving this. i don’t expect others to do this and there’ve been times i can’t drag myself up to do either…but the alternatives are not good. yes i have my “whimpy” days when i curl up and sob and get angry at god…goodness have i had fights with my god. but, as my one friend tells me…”you have this can-do attitude” and i just barrel through things. i don’t expect others to have this sort of cowboy mentality and perhaps i don’t hope this for others either…

this attitude of mine came from years of abuse and being told by my parents that i “couldn’t be sick” (just not allowed)…i was a hypochondriac…”oh just stop complaining”. then there’s been a medical community that’s given me a similar reception at times…so what do you do? well if you mean to survive this crazy maze of life, and i started at an early age, i guess you cop an attitude like mine. i still keep to myself a lot. i’ve grown to embrace aspects of it. writing this blog is very out of character because (you don’t air your dirty laundy mentality) i tend to avoid admitting not being well or that i’m stumbling, i hide it from people as much as i can. i don’t call my sponsor when i should (AA). it leads to some isolation at times and i shouldn’t be so much that way. ya know…it’s probably ok for me to show up at my meetings looking like crap and dragging some days…when i feel like crap and i’m dragging…other people do it, and i guess it’s just part of being human and working through recovery…but that’s a hard pill for me to swallow!

i would have gladly accepted the help of a good doctor and i have had a few over the years. i think it’s great when people find a doc who works with them and they get help. having bad days and struggling is not a sign of weakness or failure…it comes with the territory. living with mental illness and then the meds is a very hard life at times. some tenderness and self-forgiveness…going easy on yourself is definately in line.

[please note:  this is aobut my experience and is by no means advice! if you have a doctor who will work with you…at all…use him/her.]

peace out!

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well last night started about week 6 of my detox off my psych meds.  i went to taking .75mg of my klonopin whch i’m hoping signals 3 weeks left. from what i’ve read on others’ blogs, this can be the time when it’s going to get a little rougher. i’m not really feeling the change from 1mg to .75mg this morning. usually i’ve felt the change over the first 2 days or so then it levels out a bit.

it’s difficult to figure if my discomforts are comming from withdrawal or my fibromyalgia. but i’m going to do my best to push through this. i’m kind of a member of the school of thought that i’d rather to just rip off the bandaid, than pull it slowly…so to speak. i was a gymnast and danced until i was 30, so having chronic pain was something i was always able work through. but over those years i was not on phsych meds and i didn’t have a chronic pain condition other than the constant shin splints, bruises and pulled muscles, etc…i’m am fairly hardy and a die hard and often a bit of a “pollyanna”…those qualities have usually pulled me through many of my hard times. but i have to be honest that this detox and fibromyalgia flair is kicking my butt!

i have an appointment to start physical therapy this week and that should be good for giving me a nudge in my activity level. as for it helping with my neck pain though…i’ve been down this route so many times in the last 11-12 years and nothing, not even the physical therapy has helped my neck pain. i have degenrative disk, osteoporosis and bone spurs…it’s on the left side of my C5, C6 and it’s starting to cause pain down my left arm! the up in the Lyrica only did something for the first couple of days but that has worn off like it did when i first started taking it. it seems we up the dose, it works a bit for a few of days, then my pain seems to quickly find a new level or route so it seems the lyrica isn’t really helping.

a question: now i have to wonder about Lyrica. since lyrica is pregabalin and neurontin (which i had been on for over 10 yrs) is gabapentin and then you can buy straight gaba in the health food store…besides the lyrica and neurontin being put through some kind of refining process or whatever they do…well aren’t they each basically the same thing to some degree or another? and, if they are…the lyrica is not a “preferred” drug in my policy and it’s very expensive at $50 (until i hit my doughnut hole) vs $5 for neurontin or about $20 for the gaba in the health food store. so, going over the costs is one issue but the true effectiveness and safety are another. is refining gaba really making it better for us or can we do as well taking simple gaba?

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     (input 3/23/08 start) jump back a bit. around ’97, the year i was introduced to my wonderful psychiatrist and psychologist…and they really were wonderful…they did help me make some wonderful changes in my life. i was diagnosed borderline personality disorder, bipolar, ADHD, PTSD.  i was put on, taken off, and swapped around on several medications including ritalin. i landed on a regime of neurontin, wellbutrin and klonopin (lamictal was added in about ’05). i pretty much stayed on those for about five years. some others may have been thrown and removed over the years, but my memory on that is not so great. but looking back now, on my suicidal behavior…

 

     i had my first attempt when i was 23, (’85). i was put in mental health facility for about 6 weeks.  i continued with suicidal ideation, but alcohol was my slow means of getting there and i didn’t have another attempt until i got sober in ’97 and started taking the meds. from ’97 until now (early ’08) i have had over 6 attempts that landed me on life support and admitted to the behavior health units.my last attempt, june, ’05,  was very well planned…i can’t believe i’m still here, (i didn’t feel like i was here for a long time and perhaps that was the 60mgs of klonopin i chased with alcohol and other things) and sometimes i still curse god for leaving me here. but…well i usually “bounced” after each attempt. always, in a day or two, every time, i was back and running as if nothing happened. i wouldn’t discuss what had happened. to everyone that did know….each attempt was just treated as a hiccup….just as i liked it never happened. i never liked getting attention for anything other than my accomplishments. i always tried to compartmentalize my mental health issues. the source of these suicide attempts eluded me and i felt that they struck me like a hit and run…no exact cause and no consequence. being suicidal…it just was a part of  “how i was”. it really felt that way, and no one ever reviewed this with me…not really.

 

 

 

     but, my first consequence came down on me (sept. ’03) when i’d been admitted to the emergency room of one of my hospitals that i’d been admitted to at least twice before. i think they were implementing a three strikes policy. at about midnight, a hospital psychologist and a lawyer entered my room with a nurse and some orderlies. they were drawing up the documents to commit me! “but wait, i want to call my psychologist and my lawyer….i will voluntarily go to marietta memorial.” it was conveniently timed (midnight) so that i couldn’t reach my own lawyer or psychologist. i was forced to sign away my freedom with out recourse and…committed. next, i remember laying in the back of a squad car, one cop driving and speeding about 100 mph down the highway for what felt like…oh i didn’t know where we were or where we were going. god i was in the middle of west virginia, laying in the back of a cop car with just one male cop driving me…the mental patient. i felt so vulnerable, violated and scared. this cop could pull over and do anything he wanted. at this time of night, in the middle of WV…he could do whatever he wanted with me and it would be the word of a “deeply disturbed” person against one WV’s finest. god, i’d heard stories like this, but it was happening to me…or was it…this is unreal.

 

     a week before, i had been a counselor in training, working with the criminally insane in a maximum security facility in CA. now, i was headed to be a civil commitment case myself. it was humbling. upon arriving (safely, thank god), i was handed stuff to go and wash the lice off of me….LICE! god,  i was not someone who would have lice….didn’t they know who i was…what i do?  but, alas here i was in the WV state mental hospital. how did this happen? another hit and run kind of thing, because i was fine…really. if they would let me go i would get right back to work on my graduate courses and not miss a beat as i’d so gracefully done before. but no one would budge and it was one of those experiences…i thought they wanted to “scare me straight”! but this meant nothing to the hit and run driver of my suicidal tendencies. there was no action or language for reasoning or dealing. it was just one of those things…but it happened. (alcohol and PMS were involved every time.) i stayed for two weeks and it was a typical state institution experience….but of course i counseled and uplifted as many a patient as i could. after all i was in the midst of my counseling intern hours…this was a great place to work on my skills. it’s not as if i was going to step on any one’s shoes doing this….yeah, like the place was crawling with docs and therapists to really help any one of these poor “frequent flier” lost souls i was surrounded by. but…i was one too. certainly this was some cosmic joke. i couldn’t see why i had to be in “that place”. a looney bin in the middle of west-by-god?! well, i don’t really remember too much of how that wound down.

 

     i do remember a year before, the morning after i returned from another visit to the behavioral health floor for the “suicidal hit-and-run girl”, the phone rang at 7am. it was my best friend and she said, “i have cancer.” my first response was “no way!” well, our conversations were never about something like cancer, so i only had a few responses in my repertoire. she didn’t seem upset and i guess at that point she didn’t know how seriousit was. but this is the twist…here i was wanting to die and the whole while, my best friend was fight for her life. how self-centered am i! she was a sponsee i’d “adopted” from the local recovery center and when she was diagnosed with the cancer,  her husband took off, and she had just moved here. she hardly knew anyone except me. and we…we knew about drinking and addictions and mental illness….but…cancer? well another story for another time. but she lost her battle to cancer around march of ’04. she is with me always and some days i still have the impulse to go to the phone and call her…it’s just still second nature. i’m glad she moved on from all of her pain and is perfectly perfect now. but i loved be perfectly imperfect with her and i really really miss her. (input 3/23/08, end) please forgive my editorial skills. i’m a designer and they always kept and editor one foot behind me at all times!

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