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Posts Tagged ‘withdrawal from meds’

i haven’t been on line for a very long time. being able to pay attention and put even a few words together, focusing on a topic has been out of my reach for a while. i finished taking the klonopin and all of my meds april 25, ’08. it hasn’t been long. but the withdrawal, rebound…what was going on…not a good time.

but, knock on wood, i think things are getting a dab better. i do have some pretty “normal” days that all my senses are intact, my mind seems to be working well but i guess the best feeling is just not feeling “me”…my body or mind. no, i’m not saying i’m numbed out. it was just the constant bombardment of symptoms, side effects, psychological stuff…i was just too aware of me. it’s nice to walk around and be able to see, smell, hear, pay attention to other things that are going on. withdrawal began to feel like the worst prison i could imagine…trapped in my own, very sick and going crazy body!

i like feeling like i’m in touch with the world around me. usually i say that and hear that from others when they’re recovering from alcoholism and addictions! been down that block. this was worse…way worse. but i can cry and sometimes laugh…i do some creative things and have really gotten into cleaning out and organizing my sinfully messy home…i had lost all emotions but had anger, depression and severe anxiety. those bad ones are still with me, but they are much more quiet. i did decide to take some very low doses of two meds that are pretty weak in the spectrum of psych meds, but i’m sure they’re still not great for me. i just needed a break and those tiny doses of neurontin and wellbutrin have given me a holding place i think. i think i’ll rest here for a few months and then regroup and reassess.

so…i’ve been running a support group for fibromyalgia for all these months that i’ve been absent. i will also start yoga teacher training in september. let’s hope i can maintain…i think i can if i just believe.

after all…faith is all i really have. i have to believe.

peace!

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 i was going to delete this, but then i pulled back and read the whole thing…i could see my thought process as i was having a “borderline melt down”. even though my focus, in this blog, is on my withdrawal from meds and fibromyalgia, i have lived as a recovering borderline amongst other things. boy can my thoughts bounce around and i spared the laundry list! but watch the process! the fear, resentment, paranoia, blaming…oh what an angry little girl i can still be! (description of BPD below)

feeling well seems to be a blessing and a curse. i haven’t been around to write on this blog for awhile now…and i’m sure, if i continue with the work i’m trying to do, that my time will continue to be restricted but, i’m having a day…well several by now…that is leaving me feeling horrible. i can’t seem to be able to talk with anyone about all that is going on but i’m feeling guilty for having tried to choose a better path for my daughter, surviving several sincere suicide attempts, recovering from alcoholism and getting off addicting meds! yes, sometimes i honestly wish my path had zigged instead of zagged at all of these points. i’m screaming at god and looking at people who i thought were my friends and wondering why there is so much resentment and anger…why does it have to be mine too.

i’m usually fairly good at dodging emotional bullets…my whole life has been made up of that. but when there are just too many bullets in the air…god i wish i were wonder woman with the large amulets. but i’m not. i’m just a person, alone, trying to go with the flow and make the best decisions i can. even best of intentions often seem to be thrown back in your face with added crap.

i can’t apologize for being born into a rich family. that was never the grace that so many people seem to think it was. i’m slowly trying to pull up my boot strings over the fact that my father died and i was the only one not mentioned in his will. (this just happened september of ’07.) he mentioned his dogs, home health aids, brother’s grandchildren, other family members and the remainder to my daughter. this was the end of a bitter, life long struggle for a father’s love. the manipulative act of leaving everything to my daughter just…doesn’t suprise me. he can continue to reach out from the grave and manipulate.  and he’s succeeded. there is nothing more i can ever do and my father’s last efforts on this planet were to let people know just how much he hated me. his decisions have left a continued destruction of what family remains as they take that as a final declaration to what a horrible person i am. loss, loss and more loss compounded with judgement…from friends and family. god can anyone just stop gossiping and talk to me. talk to me about the truth? this world is not fair and i won’t yell “not fair”. that is a law i accepted a long time ago. i never set out looking for justice or fairness…life is not just and redemption is rare. i have never set out to intentionally hurt anyone but my actions are constantly interpreted as having ulterior motives and i can honestly say that i never set out to do good to gain anything other than to set back and see good done. i never want my name attached and i try to do as much anonymously as i can. i flinch if people talk of my good deeds publicly. but i do glow when i see good things happen. why wouldn’t anyone. i guess i try extra hard to those ends. i think it is the effort that offends people. i think it is that, i use my free time and resources to help others when ever i have them…often though to the extent of over extending myself. i don’t do that to martyr or put others to shame…no, i love to share in the efforts when ever possible but if no one else picks up on the work i feel obligated to finish what i start. if i did harm it wasn’t intentional and believe me when i say i live with the consequences and constant, nagging, resurfacing painful reminders. i don’t say this as an excuse…i don’t believe in excuses…but i need to remember that i’ve been a very sick person for most of my life and i’ve been tossed out and alone in trying to manage a very messed up life.  i don’t expect others to carry that burden, but i do wish others could view my decisions with some compassion and a bit of respect. i tried to do the very best i could. this seems to have become some sort of battle cry and i don’t think life should be such a battle. a person needs a resting point…some forgiveness and “you did the best you could”. because…i have addressed my illness and i have worked so, so hard to recover from illnesses most people do not recover from. but when i get slammed from all sides i wish i could still hide behind my illness. but, i don’t want to be forced back into the darkness of borderline, bipolar, eating disorders, alcoholism, addiction…too much. i just want to be and at times i think i just want to be alone. people are too hard for me to navigate. but i’m human and i get lonely. i guess that’s why i turn to writing on here. every once in awhile i peek my head out into the world of the living only to do a hasty retreat from their games. i’m not that savvy…i don’t navigate the game playing world of soap operas. it’s too prevalent in the circles i frequent…and i need to frequent them because my continued recovery depends on it. but, the very help i need is equally capable of undoing and destroying the progress i make. it seems that people only want you around if you’re down and failing but the moment you’re doing well and having some small successes they make a world of controversy over what you’re trying to do. i avoid a lot of group activities because i don’t “play well with others”. i try to grow with this issue…. i may be so much healthier now, but i guess basic human skills continue to elude me. but i have to ask if i’m more plugged in now than i allow the feed back to tell me. maybe that i’m having friction around these sick people (who i thought were healthier people) is a sign that i’m better and maybe i’m swimming in the wrong pool. i’ve invested 11 years of my life trying to live up to certain principles. not perfectly, but consistently.  i get worn down like this often and maybe it’s my depression. no, it’s the borderline thoughts in my head.

god…i’m blabbering and unraveling here.

i haven’t been able to tend to myself and i’ve become caught up in “friendships”, not of my choosing, that are very sick. some people are seriously disturbed. i should know better than to help people who present as borderlines! yes, they can jump in to call me a “friend” but that’s not what i am…with newly recovering, sick people, that’s how it goes…as a person just beginning on the road, a borderline, isn’t really capable of being a friend to anyone…not even themslevles. when you are struggling with so many inside voices you can’t consider anything going on outside of your mind. i’ve heard it when i’ve suggested helping another as a way towards recovering: “why should i help her…she doesn’t have anything to offer me“. now…i can see what helping another person can do for me…but it’s still a difficult path for me to walk. shoot i know what i was like…and being one doesn’t always leave you better off in seeing one. my heart goes out to people in the throws of this disorder. i grew up in the midst of a borderline family, but i got out…i want to stay out.  borderlines will always try to pull you into that hole with them. while having been a deeply disturbed bpd, i still have to agree that borderlines are the most dangerous population in the mental health world to tangle with. besides my own recovery process, i have read extensively and if you have done your home work then you know that i’m not damning anyone…bpd means seriously sick…

but this disorder is like no other as it is an affliction of the personality and not a “chemical imbalance” or organic brain syndrome. most simply, it is learned and must be unlearned. if you know the difference and where that falls on the nosology…i needn’t say more. i’m not saying that borderlines don’t need help, but you have to be very skilled and armed…set up to do the job. not being able to handle the disorder well is just as destructive, if not maybe more, than not trying at all. what they write about borderlines is true…i lived it and i remember what i was like…

i see what the remnants of borderline are still like in my life. i may have had significant recovery but really, the volume is just turned down very low…i am still borderline, just to a lesser degree…much lesser. i never want to see that volume turned up again. when i get scared and unravel as i’m doing now…the volume seems to want to get louder…that is the process of that disorder. it is a cacophony of destructive voices going off in your head…fighting the whole world and your self.

damnit! busted! ok, i see what’s going on…i was sitting outside, frittering away over a laundry list of resentments and woes. wow can some people throw zingers at me if they want to hurt me…and then i throw in a few myself…that’s it! ok…nothing is really wrong”here. sitting down to write this out when i couldn’t find anyone to talk to, is helping here. my wonderful psychologist walked me down this path, kicking and screaming for over 7 years and now…if i remember her lead…i can, with in reason, navigate that path alone when i must. and…i must do it alone a lot. with borderline…sometimes you get hit with a big one and sometimes small, but the blows can come in rapid succession and the voices can become very athoritarian!LOL in my “down” times, when my reserves are low (and they come as a direct result of neglecting my personal care), i can feel like i’m driving down a road loaded with speed bumps at 50 mph and that is a lot to lay on other people.

that is how us borderlines suck the souls out of others. to compound that…i was trying to give a hand up to another borderline and she grabbed my hand and started the long sustained pull of the borderline. a little is never enough and enough is never enough. we are vacuous, black holes! i know! i need, need, need…and on a bad day i can become a whiny six year old in just moments. thank god i can usually detect that rush of borderline behavior when it begins to seep in. sometimes i can’t be objective and the behavior carries me away.

i have to watch “people, places and things” as they say in my support group. i have to check and recheck my intentions, because i can slide down that darn slippery slope of borderline behavior…which is so much more insidious than my alcoholism (but the two play darn well together). constantly, i have to ask myself “why are you doing this”. it can be exhausting, keeping the disorder in check, but i count my blessings that i was given the insight to do it. it was a lot of sacrifice on the part of my psychologist and a scary road of trust and surrender on mine. i continue to seek guidance from other qualified people. managing this disorder gets easier as we get older…perhaps wiser. life won’t be perfect…but is it for anyone? being honest and realistic are two qualities i try so hard to embrace every day. doubt and those darn voices can try to destroy my serenity but i am the final word on what happens with my thoughts. i don’t have to act on every thought and i can surely just release most of them.

so, thoughts, fly away now…

i should garden and play with my dogs for a bit.

peace out

what is BPD?:

Raising questions, finding answers

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a serious mental illness characterized by pervasive instability in moods, interpersonal relationships, self-image, and behavior. This instability often disrupts family and work life, long-term planning, and the individual’s sense of self-identity. Originally thought to be at the “borderline” of psychosis, people with BPD suffer from a disorder of emotion regulation. While less well known than schizophrenia or bipolar disorder (manic-depressive illness), BPD is more common, affecting 2 percent of adults, mostly young women.1 There is a high rate of self-injury without suicide intent, as well as a significant rate of suicide attempts and completed suicide in severe cases.2,3 Patients often need extensive mental health services, and account for 20 percent of psychiatric hospitalizations.4 Yet, with help, many improve over time and are eventually able to lead productive lives.

Symptoms

While a person with depression or bipolar disorder typically endures the same mood for weeks, a person with BPD may experience intense bouts of anger, depression, and anxiety that may last only hours, or at most a day.5 These may be associated with episodes of impulsive aggression, self-injury, and drug or alcohol abuse. Distortions in cognition and sense of self can lead to frequent changes in long-term goals, career plans, jobs, friendships, gender identity, and values. Sometimes people with BPD view themselves as fundamentally bad, or unworthy. They may feel unfairly misunderstood or mistreated, bored, empty, and have little idea who they are. Such symptoms are most acute when people with BPD feel isolated and lacking in social support, and may result in frantic efforts to avoid being alone.

People with BPD often have highly unstable patterns of social relationships. While they can develop intense but stormy attachments, their attitudes towards family, friends, and loved ones may suddenly shift from idealization (great admiration and love) to devaluation (intense anger and dislike). Thus, they may form an immediate attachment and idealize the other person, but when a slight separation or conflict occurs, they switch unexpectedly to the other extreme and angrily accuse the other person of not caring for them at all. Even with family members, individuals with BPD are highly sensitive to rejection, reacting with anger and distress to such mild separations as a vacation, a business trip, or a sudden change in plans. These fears of abandonment seem to be related to difficulties feeling emotionally connected to important persons when they are physically absent, leaving the individual with BPD feeling lost and perhaps worthless. Suicide threats and attempts may occur along with anger at perceived abandonment and disappointments.

People with BPD exhibit other impulsive behaviors, such as excessive spending, binge eating and risky sex. BPD often occurs together with other psychiatric problems, particularly bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety disorders, substance abuse, and other personality disorders.

Treatment

Treatments for BPD have improved in recent years. Group and individual psychotherapy are at least partially effective for many patients. Within the past 15 years, a new psychosocial treatment termed dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) was developed specifically to treat BPD, and this technique has looked promising in treatment studies.6

read more:  http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/borderline-personality-disorder.shtml

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looking at how withdrawal can trigger other disorders like fibromyalgia and considering how to perceive and treat the symptoms. trying to find balance and watching how i can even abuse my own “natural highs”. laughter is a great medicine. remembering the freedoms and habits we came by naturally as children can aid us in how to re develop lost habits that will help us as adults. how does everyone navigate their mazes of healthy living?

hi,
i’ve been out trying to catch up on all that has been let slide, while the withdrawal process has been a little too rough to manage well. this spring weather and sun has been great medicine. and…i’m so sick of being stuck inside over the winter, not feeling well, that i just have to be out there in the sun! but i’m at .25mg of klonopin and hanging in there with the lyrica (and yes, the lyrica is a bit of a problem for me). i’m glad to say that i’m substance free, barring those two! (off lamictal, neurontin and wellbutrin to name a few) it’s progress! soon they’ll be gone too.

since i have my withdrawal tied into a re appearance of my fibromyalgia…navigating between what is fibro and what’s benzo withdrawal has seemed difficult. i guess i’m feeling that it doesn’t matter which is causing symptoms since they’re nearly identical. the protocol for managing either of them is really the same. so i feel trying to fritter away over the details may be time just…frittered away.

has anyone experienced such co existing conditions? i think the “trauma” of withdrawal triggered the fibro, as it might trigger other similar conditions (chronic pain, CFS). i’ve read a lot of research on fibro and usually there is a “traumatic” event (illness, loss, etc) that precipitates the initial onset of fibro and once you have fibro…such events will trigger a reappearance of symptoms.

since my ultimate goal is to be free of pharmaceutical drugs…i don’t want to follow my dr.s’ impulse to pull out the prescription pad at the appearance of a new symptom. fibro and benzo withdrawal host a variety of shared symptoms…that’s just how it is. but, we all seem to be on the same page now and my docs and i seem to agree that, for me, consistently working towards lifestyle adjustments are the best medicine.

maintaining momentum is hard. there are many times that i don’t feel i have the energy, or i have too much pain to deal with the physical therapy, staying on a certain nutritional path and doing all that i need to do to support myself. but when i can get myself on a roll…create a momentum from the time i wake up (yes, personal velocity!)…and maintain it, i do better. yes it’s a struggle. i get very frustrated as my symptoms and treatment pull me in seemingly opposite directions at times. it takes everything i have, to get going in the right direction and maintain it. i often want to stop and nap, but if i slow down part way through the day, i will find myself down for the count, feeling achy and bad. i need to maintain my momentum and use my personal velocity techniques. (the physics of the mind…a great topic!)

finding balance is hard. when i feel good…i really feel good (compared to having felt horrible for months)…i just want to go all out and…for example: i’m walking with a friend…we’re naturally high energy and kind of competitive…the walk will turn into walk/jog…then walk/run and of course it ends in a few races. i’m flying and laughing and it feels just so darn freeing and great! but then…there are the consequences of “over doing it”. i will usually go down for the count, for a day or even two for even a small burst of exertion! i guess it’s similar to being on a restricted diet for diabetes and taking a taste of a desert…well then it tastes so good you eat the whole thing and boom! the sugar high and then crash. well, and the temptation of anything mildly addicting as even exercise can be is hard to resist…as a bipolar…moderation is hard word to pull into my vocabulary…i love my “highs”…i’m also a long recovering alcoholic and addict and believe me…that also lends to my nature of “excess and exploitation”. yes, i can be addicted and abuse my own “feel good” chemicals that my body generates. i can trip my body into full production and ride that puppy! harmless? in excess, actually it does hurt me. abusing my own biological highs will drag me down. and i know a lot of people with similar histories to mine discover and exploit…for example…the “runners high”. another interesting topic to chase!

laughter helps pain, depression, immune system, etc. at least laughing, which helps my pain and depression immensely,  has no ill side effects (for an average person, not post surgery etc.). i can laugh to excess…well except for being seen as obnoxious by those not partaking…there really is nothing bad that can come of excessive laughing. so, laughing is a luxury i can indulge in. i do make an effort to laugh and my friends know the routine. i know all the good places to score a laugh from. i had to take a friend to “evil wal mart” the other day. if you go to the childrens’ toy section…seek out toys like “tickle me elmo”…set off as many as you can. juvenile…yes. but in matters such as these…the need to score a laugh…who cares what anyone thinks! it is never right to score laughter at another person’s expense (it’s not good for your karma, etc). no, no one or thing should be damaged in the process. well, some things can be damaged…i had a pile of old records that had been left in my garage…they’d been water damaged…i had brought my bb gun over and was shooting cans (yes, juvinile hill billy entertainment), but then we decided to play skeet with the records. i shouted “pull”, my friend tossed an album and i shot it in the center area! we laughed and played album skeet for awhile. the album i shot was an old grateful dead album. well…it was dead already.

finding the good, healthy habits in my childhood. i think of things that made me laugh when i was a child. it seems children laugh more often and more freely than adults do. it’s another healthy skill we loose as adults. we’re so groomed to behave ourselves and act like adults that it can smother the very healthful skills that can keep us well. (belly breathing is another skill well loose as we “mature”.)

yes, thinking back to my younger years, unfolds many answers to health in my…gulp…middle age.

so, that’s where the bb gun came from…my youth. when we were younger we spent a lot of time in the northwoods of wisconsin. our parents would be inside playing cards, talking and drinking beer. we’d go in and collect cans as they were emptied, put them up on the log pile and shoot them with a bb gun. as long as the cans kept coming we had a good time. it doesn’t matter that there was always a great presence of alcohol and drinking and thus the behavior issues…darn it the cans and shooting are what i’m going to remember! i may have not had the greatest childhood but i do have many good times i can refer to. looking back at my childhood in this way also helps me “reframe” what has been such a sad portion of my life. i’m learning to pull these great positive things from what was a dark and murky area. gradually, my childhood is becomming a wonderful resource! cool side effect.

looking at how withdrawal can trigger other disorders like fibromyalgia and considering how to perceive and treat the symptoms. i look towards embracing my personal velocity to hold on to my momentum which will carry me through the day. trying to find balance and watching how i can even abuse my own “natural highs”. laughter is a great medicine. remembering the freedoms and habits we came by naturally as children can aid us in how to re develop lost habits that will help us as adults.

just how does everyone else find their way through the mazes that can lead to healthy living?

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