what now…

well detoxing off meds is no longer a huge issue for me. i did go back on a small dose of neurontin and wellbutrin. i just wasn’t doing well. my fibro is probably about as managed as it will ever get. basically i have to maintain the self-discipline to do good and healthy things for myself. but there is one thing i continue to struggle with. when i strip away the alcoholism (sober 2 years sept. 27, 08), high doses of psych meds and chronic illness/pain…i’m still left with me.

i have begun yoga teacher training. i really want to bring home the whole practice of yoga and what it encompasses. yoga is not just a physical activity that keeps us strong and flexible. it is largely spiritual and a whole lifestyle backs it. but i won’t try to explain or go into that.

i’m struggling with a huge underlying pain that i just can’t resolve or come to terms with. it’s not a simple pain…there are several arms to it. if i could apply the principles of AA or yoga or others i’ve learned over the years…this pain would boil down to “simple” with simple solutions. but i have a hard time applying principles if i don’t have them in my heart. i always try to “act as if” but the pain i carry around…i don’t want to be carrying it…but i can’t drop the rock for good. i’ll have a day or two that seems fairly good but then i crash again and the depression and despair close in. my mind won’t focus…i guess i fall into a mental obsession where it feels as if those ghosts are sitting in the room with me squashing my heart, gripping my throat and filling my mind and veins with cement.  depression and anxiety circle me even when i’m in a crowd and trying to do something i love.

people must be able to sense it. i’m not a nasty, mean or overly sarcastic person. i’m quiet and generally nice…but people just stay away from me as if i had a sign saying “she’s contagious”. and i guess depression is in a way contagious. people want to be around happy people. like attracts like. as long as i feel alone and depressed i’ll only attract others who are in just a bad place or people will continue to stay away. but hell, even my depressed friends stay away from me.

damnit…i have tried so hard to get somewhere better…spiritually and mentally. the great lengths i go to that are practical and spiritual just don’t seem to be helping. it’s this brooding depression that convinced me that maybe i need to be back on some small amount of medication….but to be honest…medication or none…my moods seem to dip to their pre-set depths and i seem to wear them like a robe. it’s been so long and i remember when i was different. i was happy, outgoing, energetic…i was a doer and i took initiative. but now…i can barely talk with people. people used to want to be around me…my phone rang and i had things going on…but now if i never left my home for a month…not a soul would notice or call to see if i was ok.

yeah the hurt is bad and it’s not just a mood thing. it is a life thing and i’m not sure i should go into it all a put it out there. but much of it started over a decision i made when i was in my early 20’s. my family never let me be anyone but that 20something person. i’m 45 now and the consequences and constant pain i’ve had to carry are honestly starting to kill me. most people who have to bear this kind of pain so intensely for so long usually get cancer or something and  are fortunate enough to be taken away from the pain. i can see how people get so sick from a soul killing pain. i don’t know why i’ve carried on as well as i have. i don’t know why i haven’t been diagnosed with something terminal. i guess my punishment has to be this…exactly what i’m talking about. i never get to escape it for long. a phone call…a comment…a sharp jab…a photo…a smell or sight and the pain is there. there is just no way to get away from it. even with all the spiritual practice i have under my wing…god i can help others…at least i used to…i believe what i tell others about dealing with their issues. but believing, practicing and having it in your heart and soul are just different things.

i have only myself to blame for the mental torture i endure every day. i did what i did over 20 years ago and i lived the resulting life. but i tried to live it well and be a good person in every way i could learn to be. but being a good person is not what makes the world right. i don’t want to  pout that the world is unfair. it is and it has to be that way. no i’m not looking for some justice and fairness. that’s not it. just a simple joy and peace of mind. but please don’t try to sell me some cure all answer for this. i’m not that desperate or gullible.  i trust God and Jesus. i believe in what AA teaches me. i love yoga and several other spiritualities. they are real and they do work. but i can’t seem to reconcile this dark shadow or cloud that follows me everywhere. i should move to montana where people go to really be alone. seeing all these happy young people, families, people in love just doesn’t…it should be happy, but it’s sad to me. i think of the family that hates me and that i can’t connect with. i think of the father who hated me so much that his last statement in this world before he died pointed to that. i miss the daughter i can’t be close to. i miss all the people and beings who’ve died or left…everyone who ever mattered to me. i’m not suicidal. i have my dogs who i really do love so much. there are good people that surround my life, but they’re not in it. i love my home and i want badly to not wish i was somewhere else. i don’t believe in geographical cures. you take yourself where ever you go. but sometimes i dream of just walking away. changing my name and not telling the new people in some new place a single thing about my life’s story. maybe if i don’t see and hear constant reminders of tremendous pain i can forget it enough to let it go. it may find me again, but i’d love a remission.

i guess i’ll just try to shower and get to a yoga class…i can fall into that world for a bit. maybe a meeting too. don’t worry….this is the norm but i thought writing it down and putting it somewhere else besides my mind might help somehow.

burning incense linked to respiratory cancers

this really can has me thrown…i love my incense and i have for decades. i smudge with sage often!

from reuters:

Mon Aug 25, 2008 3:18pm

NEW YORK (Reuters Health) – Burning incense may create a sweet scent, but regularly inhaling the smoke could put people at risk of cancers of the respiratory tract, researchers reported Monday.

In a study of more than 61,000 ethnic Chinese living in Singapore who were followed for up to 12 years, the investigators found a link between heavy incense use and various respiratory cancers.

The findings are published in the medical journal Cancer.

Incense has been used for millennia in many cultures’ religious and spiritual ceremonies. In Asia, people commonly burn incense in their homes — a practice that is becoming more popular in Western countries as well.

read more: http://www.reuters.com/article/healthNews/idUSPAT56944620080825?pageNumber=2&virtualBrandChannel=0&sp=true

GMOs: not only an american problem

monsanto is everywhere. while this is not a new clip i think it’s important to link this to the others that i posted:

hmmm…what about milk? got milk? not milk!

i hate milk. this is an older clip, but it’s interesting. but you won’t “get milk” after this:

our nation’s food supply: irradiation, GMOs

with the new concerns about the FDA’s maneuvers to irradiate our food supply, i wanted to post a movie that everyone should see…it’s not new and many of you may have seen this but bringing the GMO issue to the front along with the issues of irradiation…the big picture is scary. thinking about your own victory garden now?

just to refer you to info about the irradiation issue:

“NaturalNews has learned that the FDA is plotting to intentionally deceive consumers about irradiated foods, hiding the fact that the foods have actually been irradiated. Today’s feature story reveals the frightening details of how this tyrannical, lawless government agency plans to commit nutritional genocide against the People: http://www.naturalnews.com/023956.html“

 

the following video clips are about the documentary “the future of food”:

 

heat generating dogs as therapy for fibromyalgia

ok, i’m a chinese crested owner (a hairless dog). i also have fibromyalgai. i just thought this was an interesting article about people using hairless dogs, xolo (of course cresteds would work as well) as therapy dogs for the treatment of pain conditions such as fibro. of course just having a dog or two or four always helps keep the spirits up!

link:http://www.naturalnews.com/019458.html

Heat-generating dogs treat fibromyalgia pain in humans Friday, June 23, 2006 by: Elisabeth Deffner Key concepts: Dogs, Fibromyalgia and Service dogs

off the klonopin for months, now what?

i haven’t been on line for a very long time. being able to pay attention and put even a few words together, focusing on a topic has been out of my reach for a while. i finished taking the klonopin and all of my meds april 25, ’08. it hasn’t been long. but the withdrawal, rebound…what was going on…not a good time.

but, knock on wood, i think things are getting a dab better. i do have some pretty “normal” days that all my senses are intact, my mind seems to be working well but i guess the best feeling is just not feeling “me”…my body or mind. no, i’m not saying i’m numbed out. it was just the constant bombardment of symptoms, side effects, psychological stuff…i was just too aware of me. it’s nice to walk around and be able to see, smell, hear, pay attention to other things that are going on. withdrawal began to feel like the worst prison i could imagine…trapped in my own, very sick and going crazy body!

i like feeling like i’m in touch with the world around me. usually i say that and hear that from others when they’re recovering from alcoholism and addictions! been down that block. this was worse…way worse. but i can cry and sometimes laugh…i do some creative things and have really gotten into cleaning out and organizing my sinfully messy home…i had lost all emotions but had anger, depression and severe anxiety. those bad ones are still with me, but they are much more quiet. i did decide to take some very low doses of two meds that are pretty weak in the spectrum of psych meds, but i’m sure they’re still not great for me. i just needed a break and those tiny doses of neurontin and wellbutrin have given me a holding place i think. i think i’ll rest here for a few months and then regroup and reassess.

so…i’ve been running a support group for fibromyalgia for all these months that i’ve been absent. i will also start yoga teacher training in september. let’s hope i can maintain…i think i can if i just believe.

after all…faith is all i really have. i have to believe.

peace!

fibromyalgia and addiction

sorry about the formatting. i can’t seem to get this to flow correctly.

i was sharing online about my fibro and of course my history as a person recovering from substance abuse and…what happened when i was treated long-term for pain management. bits of this story are strewn through out my blog. but this is a bit of how my fibro and addictions interacted. again, this is my story and my opinions…remember this is a blogg page and what i say may not work for, or be relevant to you.  this information is not to be used in place of seeking professional help. please, always discuss your situation with your practitioners. please, always do your own research.

…so i guess that leads into the substance addiction/dependence discussion. i
don’t mind sharing about it. i think it’s important to talk about
considering how many of us (fibro patients) are faced with chronic pain and often
accompanying depression. the two can often be a recipe for disaster for
anyone. keeping the issue on the front burner in the open may be people’s
best insurance. i don’t believe genetics are the only reason that dependence/addiction happens to
people. life’s circumstances can be overwhelming and with doctors often
being too willing and reckless with their prescription pads…well it can be
sad. fibro patients can be particularly vulnerable finding many of the
people closest to them pulling away or making them feel as if it must be in
their heads…”if you would just get out and do something”, “stop spending
all of your time in doctors offices and reading about it”…ughhhh with often no
where to turn, all the symptoms beating you down on you. oh, it’s
easy to understand how dependence or addiction can become an additional
issue for even the “strongest” and “most knowledgeable” of us. it happened to
me.

i was in the middle of studying for my masters in counseling. i was
interning in CA at a maximum security facility for the criminally insane, in
the Alcohol, Drug Education Program…i had been in AA for years and then
was interning with juveniles charged with felonies, doing…you got it: drug
and substance counseling (and regular counseling). with all that around me i
had to wonder how i thought it couldn’t  happen to me. i never abused or
sought out pills. i was honestly afraid of drugs….even prescription. i have been a recovering alcoholic since ’97 but it was never about anything other than alcohol. recovery was difficult with fibro constantly nagging at me. i had being prescribed vicodin on and off for several years for managing pain in my neck and shoulders. i had horrible fatigue but no one around was diagnosing chronic fatigue or
fibro then. i went on for years like that and whenever the pills ran out i just lived
with the pain. the pills never really helped the pain or had any affect on
me…that i noticed…i could take ’em or leave ’em (so i thought). i had to have surgery while i was
in CA and the chronic fatigue which had been diagnosed by then, was really
dragging me down. the surgery wasn’t serious but i was prescribed vicodin again. and the stress of recovery from a seemingly simple operation still wore on me. i began to believe the vicodin simply relieved the pain enough for me to be more active…i never noticed that by then i may have been feeling a “need” to have them. i came home and continued on with my life until i got
very sick and was diagnosed with osteomylitis…very painful. i was given
some powerful doses of pain medication and for years after that anyone would
write me a prescription for pain if they knew what i’d had. (well that and the degenerative disc disorder). i wasn’t getting “high” or consciously abusing them, i know now that i was simply trying to avoid going through withdrawal (believe me there is a difference). the
doctors who knew i was a recovering alcoholic…well they all knew…never
reviewed or considered what might be happening. it wasn’t until i blew the whistle
myself, that they all went “oh…yeah!”

 

well just suddenly stopping them was a disaster. i didn’t know why i was so “uncomfortable”…i was in “cold turkey withdrawal. the discomfort seemed intolerable and i stumbled… i relapsed with my drinking. i went down for the count and
was drinking again for almost a year and a half before i decided to pull my
head out of my…the ground.

i sobered up but still didn’t get to feeling much better. yes the fibro was
always there but there was something else still wrong. i was wrestling with unrelenting anxiety and depression. i started reading
again and i found it. i had been on klonopin for over 11 years! i missed that and no one
around me ever said anything…even after my disaster with the pain meds. long term treatment with benzodiazapines can create those symptoms in most patients and your body will be…physically dependant…meaning if you stop cold turkey you will wrestle with withdrawal. and after a short time, with out constantly upping the dose, you are no longer receiving anything more than a placebo effect…you are just avoiding going through withdrawal. the withdrawal mimics what you’re taking the drug for and resuming it simply stops the withdrawal symptoms, appearing to fix the anxiety again…and so starts a crazy cycle…but it’s a cycle that’s difficult for me to describe well. go to benzo.org for more research on the topic.
so…i endeavored to get off all the meds. my doctor said i was begging
trouble and wouldn’t help me. he closed my files. gee, if he could up and close my files after 11 years of a compliant relationship…why didn’t they pin me down and say enough already with the klonopin! i couldn’t find any doctor that would help me and with one last prescription for what was supposed to be enough
klonopin to withdraw from…yeah give huge bottles of klonopin to a person with a history of suicide…begging for trouble…but i wasn’t going to go there, even though i felt like it many times. believe me i could rant on over how betrayed i felt by my medical community after over 11 years of compliance and hard work. but i need to stay focused on “the solution”.

well, i set out to learn how to withdrawal and what to expect.
my prescriptions were going to run out and i had to do something. the
short of it is that i withdrew faster than is recommended…it was very
rough. i took just over 3 months or so. april 25 was the last day i took a dose of klonipin. no more p-meds.

that’s the short of the long of it all. i have many entries about my
withdrawal from the meds on my blog page. there is other information there
too and i touch on a lot, including my fibro. i’ve had a bit of a complex
life…not a pretty or happy story. but i’m here and plugging away. i have
bad days, really bad days and then…the wonderful good ones. i try so hard
to hang my hat on the good ones…those have to be what i see more than the
others because they are precious and few. but i can send you to my blog if
you ever want to read some. it’s off focus re fibro…i am still taking lyrica, and i’ll wait a bit before making a decision about that one. i’m not fond of it but it seems to help quiet the symptoms.

but re dependant vs addicted…i don’t think there’s a difference. look them up in the dictionary and you’ll see they cross reference. that’s
why they call them “chemical dependency units”. dependency is just a “nice”
word for addicted…perhaps a more accurately descriptive word. “addicted”
sounds ugly and has horrible connotations. i guess we see addicted people as
whoring around street corners with unsavory crowds…the depictions are not
nice. but you don’t have to be homeless and dirty to have a serious and life
threatening and life altering situation going on. i’ve met many an elderly
woman and man who never even took hardly an aspirin their entire
lives…only to find themselves “addicted” or chemically dependant in their 50’s and 60’s. there are
so many similar stories and far too many go unchecked because of the stigma.
pain management and management of chronic illness is a blemish on the medical
community and no one wants to look at it. you see if we deal with
withdrawing people safely from meds and are vigilant over people’s use of
meds then the medical community will have to admit to a bigger problem. the
fact is that dependency or addiction in america is epidemic and who knows
the number since so many poor people don’t know what’s happening to them.
either docs are leaving them on substances they’ve developed a tolerance to
or they’re just yanking them off with horrible consequences.

 whether it was my 11+ years on klonopin or my adventures with pain
medication…i may be an alcoholic but the whole romance of pills never attracted me. i trusted my doctors. i’m sure we were all doing our best, the fact that i was an alcoholic should have
been a red flag, very early on, in the management of my care. at the same time, they shouldn’t brush
myexperience under the rug because “i had a predisposition”. that just isn’t right. this happens to far too many people who go through exactly what i did…alcholic, predisposed or not. it happens. i never saw it coming…even when my
behaviour changed. i’d always trusted my doctors to watch me, even when i
couldn’t see what was going on. i never hid or lied about my alcoholism. if
i wanted to abuse drugs….i might have. i did some dishonest things once
the dependency or addiction was full blown…but i was also the one to call
it quits when i started to feel that something wasn’t right. if it had been up to them i’d still be toting bags of pills. oh i
could go on…that’s why i started a blog. i have too much to say and i’ve
read too much reliable and alarming research. i pretty much only look at the NIMH, WHO,
Mayo clinic, Harvard, Lancet and such peer reviewed articles for the most
part. i rarely pay attention to anything that does not come from a source
that i wouldn’t feel confident quoting in a graduate paper. pull a bad
source there and you’ll hear about it! there’s too much “alarming”
controversial stuff written about this topic and you have to be careful in
sourcing. i’m sure people will read my blog and perhaps they forget that this is mypersonal blogg page. i’m expressing myopinions. granted i don’t buy into conspiracy theories and i read more peer reviewed research than i need to, but what i say and write is still my opinion. this is not a medical site but what i write is a response to my personal experience and…research.

so…that’s probably more than you wanted to hear or read about this. i’m
always willing to share this information and my blog with anyone so don’t
worry about sharing this information or me as a source. i’m not a licensed
professional…just a person who’s had to learn the hard way. maybe i’ll
have my license one of these days. god willing.

gee, take care and find one thing to smile a bit about. i’m glad you asked
me about this…it helps to share. some of this is still very fresh for
me…some is soooo old. i’m sorry to hear about your dad…i have to say
that strong wasn’t the only thing that may have helped me through…call it
luck, call it god, call it some good friends…i was one of the fortunate
few. more people don’t make it than do by no fault of their own. it’s kind
of like fibro…no one wants it and if we could change it we would. the art
is in living with it i guess.

treating my fibromyalgia

since fibromyalgia is a complex disorder that requires a multi-disciplined approach in its treatment. there is no one correct, end-all, be-all approach for all people. in the beginning (before ’01) i had gained a lot of weight (i am typically pretty small) and my ability to exercise and manage much of anything had disappeared. not exactly the person you meet today. but from the beginning i had been advised by every doctor i saw to push through the fatigue and pain. it seemed overwhelming and i could not understand why they would ask me to do that. but i did a endless hours of research over the years and began to do what my docs and the research were telling me. i discovered focus on relaxation and exercise is many fold and is supported by all major research and medical foundations such as the arthritis foundation and mayo clinic. it seemed to me that people who were getting better  were the ones who’d found relief when they have adopted a routine including exercise, relaxation, healthy sleeping habit and other life management skills. this adaptation was not easy and i was faced with it before i had a diagnosis. i am not more motivated or have less pain than anyone else. i’m a fairly average person. so, i’ve felt hurt when people look at me and say “you’re just stronger” or “well your pain’s not that bad”. but not every day is good and fatigue drags me down to a halt during flairs.

the person you meet (on a good day) today, is not the person i had become years back. it took major attitude adjustments (2×4’s to the head, knees, legs, feet…) and learning…trying things and failing…to find some relief from the most disturbing aspects of this disorder. but first i had to become open minded and willing. the pain was in my body, but as i’ve seen with so many others in some horrible chronic situations…it’s all about the attitude! that’s no small thing. i fought everyone and didn’t think they knew what they were asking me to do! i was angry all the time. i couldn’t understand and i thought my doctors were quacks and incompetent. now, my song is changing as i’ve changed. they’ve become my partners in trying to make it through this maze. but i still get tired and the pain flairs…i still have days that i feel i can’t do anything. i have bad attitude days…and that can be expected. i have to remind myself that i didn’t make myself sick, but with help, i can get myself muchbetter. slowly i’m noticing progress. but it’s progress not perfection!

 

regarding exercise, i learned it must be geared towards the person with fibromyalgia. “regular” exercise classes are often too strenuous and fibro patients leave because they do not benefit from those. exercise done incorrectly (for a fibro patient) can, in fact, exacerbate the pain and fatigue. the gentle exercise outlined by the arthritis foundation and others will work, but it takes time and doing and must be done as regularly as possible. that coupled with correcting sleep disorders (the gentle exercise goes a long way to do that by reducing pain, raising serotonin, releasing endorphins and helping us to be tired at night…avoiding sleep during the day) because lack of sleep compounds and results in most of the symptoms fibro patients deal with, when healthy sleep patterns are restored most symptoms improve or disappear via that channel as well.

 

for me, my fibro seemed beyond debilitating…my life as i knew it stopped. for years things got worse until i couldn’t take it. it was either end this life or try this option…(yes i’ve become totally despondent and hoped for death rather than living like this). the medications never helped and any other passivetreatment i tried…didn’t help. from all research i had gathered, and on line support networks i had participated in, this is the one of the best medicines that seems to have been offered, not only to me but far too many others who i’ve communicated with or read their stories. it can sound disheartening to leave a doctor’s office with the advice being go and exercise and get better sleep (god i came to you for help and you tell me to go help myself?), but there is a reason for that. for one dr.s and research do not have a clear enough picture of what fibro is…and believe it or not…this is not the only disorder that the person with the job description of “doctor” has to deal with. with still foggy descriptions of what fibro might be and how it mightbe treated…they all do their best. the ground rules are somewhat clearer, but still, not exact or complete. rheumatologists are, at this time, the recognized specialists for fibro…at this time. that is where the major advancements are being made in treatment and diagnosis.

 

at this time there is no pill or treatment that has the long term, wide reaching benefits that countless research efforts have shown with the exercise, sleep and stress management protocols. combined, they do work if we let them. a doctor can’t do that for us…i believe that we are personally responsible for our care. i found that when i stopped being angry at the medical community and started helping myself…i improved. the reasons for that, again are multi-fold. that shift resulted in self-empowerment and knowledge which goes a long way to helping us feel better and regain a foothold in a life that has…slipped away. we regain a sense of self and self-esteem that we lost to criticism and doubt. when no one could seem to help us our self-esteem shattered as people questioned “why can’t you just pull it together and stop spending all of your time in dr.s’ offices?”…like that’s what you really wanted…but true…you were going to have to start paying rent at your dr.s’ appointments.

 

we never like to hear that “it’s all in our heads”. all chronically ill people fight that stigma at different stages of their process. but the most significant change for the better in our treatment does happen in our minds. when our outlook and attitude changes…our prognosis improves. this is true of any chronic illness or situation. fibromyalgia is not unique that way. and if you’ve read my blogg you know that i’ve dealt with a few chronic illnesses.

 

all though by no means is “exercise” the only protocol i’veused, as many disciplines are necessary to reboot a life that has been halted by fibromyalgia, hopefully the group (a new support group in town) can bring ways of implementing various protocols that are tailored to the person with fibromyalgia. while we hope for other medical progress to be made in bring relief for the major symptoms of pain and fatigue, etc, that may still be long in coming and this is the “best practice” at this time. chances are that this will always be a standard protocol as it is and has been for decades, for so many chronic disorders and well…just living well.

i will share that i take lyrica…i think it helps some but i’m not fond of the side effects. i’ve taken it regularly for several months and was on neurontin for years before it. i hope that some of the protocols i’m following might allow me to get off the lyrica too, but in time…one thing at a time.

some good fibro links:

i love this DVD from the mayo clinic and giam: http://www.gaiam.com/product/wellness-clinic/pain-relief-back-care/general/mayo+clinic+wellness+solutions+for+fibromyalgia.do

arthritis foundation: http://www.arthritis.org/news-headlines-fibromyalgia.php#4

national fibromyalgia research association: http://www.nfra.net/nfra-resource.htm

exercise resources: http://www.myalgia.com/Exercise%20advice.htm

fibromyalgia network http://www.fmnetnews.com/

national fibromyalgia network: http://www.fmaware.org/site/PageServer

“incompleters”…how an ER doc views the patients who survive suicide

i guess in light of a recent suicide in my community i’m looking at an issue near to my heart and life. suicide.  in the “against medical advice” blogg the author shared an all to common experience of people who’ve woken up in the ER after an incompleted suicide, http://agmedad.wordpress.com/2008/04/10/incompleters/#comment-6509

this is the response i wrote…i need to write about this because i really can’t talk with anyone around here. it would be to “self-absorbed” for me to become introspective…what i have to share couldn’t possibly help anyone i know. but i’ve been there and who can better tell you about the moon…the astronaut who walked on the moon or the man looking through a telescope.

funny how people react to suicide. we recently lost a member of our community to suicide. it’s been hard for me to be around everyone as they “mourn” and deal with the shock and all of the “what could we have dones…”. i’m a suicide survivor. my last go ’round was the most grave and was unknown to others for over a year. i never attempted to get attention except everyone seems to think that a “failed” attempt is an attention getting “gesture”. NOT! it was very personal and after my last attempt i shut down completely…not eating, not talking…just staring…i lay on my sofa for months and prayed for god to just let me stop breathing. i always hear from people around me that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. but my problem has been around my whole life. i began suicide attempts when i was a very young child. i’m sure there are several of us that did, but no one recognized eating poisons as a toddler as being anything other than the result of a lack of supervision or accidental. for me it was painfully intentional. in the process of being punished when i was about 5 my father told me what “dead” was. i knew that eating deadly nightshade berries would “make me dead”…so i did…often. and i never stopped trying. my last attempt was in june of ’05 and i’m almost 45. this was no temporary problem.

 

i have had numerous horrible experiences in the ERs over the years. believe me…i really didn’t want to wake up there either. but their cruel words went to the sticking place and echoed in an already angst ridden mind. this anger that the medical community and even mental health community has regarding suicide is more damaging to a suicidal person. in an ER they only see you that night and they have NO information about what brought you there. the suicide itself is only a small part of a much larger picture. and granted i know of people who threaten and gesture suicide as a manipulation and as a means of getting attention. it is those people who’ve given the rest of us a bad rap. they do not mean business. it’s non the less serious as even manipulative gestures can result in death. but all the more reason to treat anyone who is suicidal with compassion and concern. i know suicide is scary to face for all involved parties and i know there is a concern that giving too much attention to a suicide attempt may reinforce the attention seeking aspect for some patients…but that is not true for all of us.

 

perhaps if people were more willing to address my suicides (they were not attempts…parts of me died each time) as a serious issue i might have been able to come back…i am still not well in that area of my life. i think i might romance death until i pass over. i don’t feel suicidal now but i have to admit that i always romance the thought. i hold it private to me because i’m all to aware of the cold and stony hearts that turn on you when people know. i stay away from people sometimes just because of the “me and them” in this whole area…it does drive much of my life all the time. it never goes away. it’s like a homesickness of sorts. and while i do deal with life problems often in very healthy ways and i live life with seemingly more joy than some…it’s always there. i do treasure life and maybe i value the good times so much more because i know that they are gifts i shouldn’t be experiencing. i don’t wallow in self pity…i’m not a glum, depressive, brooding or self-absorbed person as many would identify a suicidal person to be. having a second chance is something i am grateful for. but i wish i didn’t feel such an outsider as this ER doctor would wish us to feel.

 

the pain is real. the pain is often a life long experience and there are suicides that aren’t for attention or solving a temporary problem. maybe it’s simply wanting put an end to having to try just to damn hard to live. and docs like this…they don’t help those who deal with sucidality as a lifelong issue. i stopped trying so hard to live. my attitude of “i don’t care” is often brutal and destroys most ambitions that dare to peak my interest. while i have “bursts” of ambition and hope…i honestly live my life at 10% most of the time. i can’t seem to die but i can’t live well either. i don’t see the point in trying to die anymore as i believe this decision has to be god’s. reading and hearing things like this article are sad. but i’m glad you’re posting this and i’m glad people are seeing and discussing this prevailing attitude because it is deadly.
thank you for the post.

this is an exerpt from an article about suicidal children:

Many people have thought that the main reason that children and adolescents try to kill themselves is to manipulate others or get attention or as a “cry for help”. However, when children and adolescents are actually asked right after their suicide attempts, their reasons for trying suicide are more like adults. For a third, their main reason for trying to kill themselves is they wanted to die. Another third wanted to escape from a hopeless situation or a horrible state of mind. Only about 10% were trying to get attention. Only 2% saw getting help as the chief reason for trying suicide. The children who truly wanted to die were more depressed, more angry, and were more perfectionistic. read more: http://www.healthyplace.com/communities/depression/children_9.asp