i guess in light of a recent suicide in my community i’m looking at an issue near to my heart and life. suicide. in the ”against medical advice” blogg the author shared an all to common experience of people who’ve woken up in the ER after an incompleted suicide, http://agmedad.wordpress.com/2008/04/10/incompleters/#comment-6509
this is the response i wrote…i need to write about this because i really can’t talk with anyone around here. it would be to “self-absorbed” for me to become introspective…what i have to share couldn’t possibly help anyone i know. but i’ve been there and who can better tell you about the moon…the astronaut who walked on the moon or the man looking through a telescope.
funny how people react to suicide. we recently lost a member of our community to suicide. it’s been hard for me to be around everyone as they “mourn” and deal with the shock and all of the “what could we have dones…”. i’m a suicide survivor. my last go ’round was the most grave and was unknown to others for over a year. i never attempted to get attention except everyone seems to think that a “failed” attempt is an attention getting “gesture”. NOT! it was very personal and after my last attempt i shut down completely…not eating, not talking…just staring…i lay on my sofa for months and prayed for god to just let me stop breathing. i always hear from people around me that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. but my problem has been around my whole life. i began suicide attempts when i was a very young child. i’m sure there are several of us that did, but no one recognized eating poisons as a toddler as being anything other than the result of a lack of supervision or accidental. for me it was painfully intentional. in the process of being punished when i was about 5 my father told me what “dead” was. i knew that eating deadly nightshade berries would “make me dead”…so i did…often. and i never stopped trying. my last attempt was in june of ‘05 and i’m almost 45. this was no temporary problem.
i have had numerous horrible experiences in the ERs over the years. believe me…i really didn’t want to wake up there either. but their cruel words went to the sticking place and echoed in an already angst ridden mind. this anger that the medical community and even mental health community has regarding suicide is more damaging to a suicidal person. in an ER they only see you that night and they have NO information about what brought you there. the suicide itself is only a small part of a much larger picture. and granted i know of people who threaten and gesture suicide as a manipulation and as a means of getting attention. it is those people who’ve given the rest of us a bad rap. they do not mean business. it’s non the less serious as even manipulative gestures can result in death. but all the more reason to treat anyone who is suicidal with compassion and concern. i know suicide is scary to face for all involved parties and i know there is a concern that giving too much attention to a suicide attempt may reinforce the attention seeking aspect for some patients…but that is not true for all of us.
perhaps if people were more willing to address my suicides (they were not attempts…parts of me died each time) as a serious issue i might have been able to come back…i am still not well in that area of my life. i think i might romance death until i pass over. i don’t feel suicidal now but i have to admit that i always romance the thought. i hold it private to me because i’m all to aware of the cold and stony hearts that turn on you when people know. i stay away from people sometimes just because of the “me and them” in this whole area…it does drive much of my life all the time. it never goes away. it’s like a homesickness of sorts. and while i do deal with life problems often in very healthy ways and i live life with seemingly more joy than some…it’s always there. i do treasure life and maybe i value the good times so much more because i know that they are gifts i shouldn’t be experiencing. i don’t wallow in self pity…i’m not a glum, depressive, brooding or self-absorbed person as many would identify a suicidal person to be. having a second chance is something i am grateful for. but i wish i didn’t feel such an outsider as this ER doctor would wish us to feel.
the pain is real. the pain is often a life long experience and there are suicides that aren’t for attention or solving a temporary problem. maybe it’s simply wanting put an end to having to try just to damn hard to live. and docs like this…they don’t help those who deal with sucidality as a lifelong issue. i stopped trying so hard to live. my attitude of “i don’t care” is often brutal and destroys most ambitions that dare to peak my interest. while i have “bursts” of ambition and hope…i honestly live my life at 10% most of the time. i can’t seem to die but i can’t live well either. i don’t see the point in trying to die anymore as i believe this decision has to be god’s. reading and hearing things like this article are sad. but i’m glad you’re posting this and i’m glad people are seeing and discussing this prevailing attitude because it is deadly.
thank you for the post.
thank you for the post.
this is an exerpt from an article about suicidal children:
Many people have thought that the main reason that children and adolescents try to kill themselves is to manipulate others or get attention or as a “cry for help”. However, when children and adolescents are actually asked right after their suicide attempts, their reasons for trying suicide are more like adults. For a third, their main reason for trying to kill themselves is they wanted to die. Another third wanted to escape from a hopeless situation or a horrible state of mind. Only about 10% were trying to get attention. Only 2% saw getting help as the chief reason for trying suicide. The children who truly wanted to die were more depressed, more angry, and were more perfectionistic. read more: http://www.healthyplace.com/communities/depression/children_9.asp
