i thought i’d share a letter i completed. i made a difficult decision, to try to return to my graduate studies in counseling and i’m asking for a second chance after i completely unraveled, unknowingly, from multiple prescription drug addictions and entered into subsequent relapse in my alcoholism.
hi p.,
it’s been a couple of years now…after talking with a lot of people for a while, everyone’s input has led me back to the same spot: “go back to work on your degree in counseling”. so…
my BVR counselor, c., suggested that, in light of how things ended for me in the department, maybe i should initially contact you to talk about how i might be able to get back into the program to complete my masters degree in counselor education.
after all this time has passed and so many things have happened, i can see more clearly, what went wrong my last time around. yes, i wrestled with being very sick, but what i wasn’t fully aware of was that i had developed an addiction to pain medication after being prescribed the drugs for over two years! yes i was working on my counseling degree. yes i was active in AA. i was even counseling and working with so many alcoholics and addicts. but, since i never abused my medication and never got high off of it…drugs were never “my thing”…i didn’t see what was happening to me. at one point i told my doctors that i needed to stop taking the pain meds, but i didn’t realize that i was addicted. my behavior and judgment had gradually been changing and finally, when i did try to stop the meds…well i tailspinned into a total relapse with my drinking. but through it all…i couldn’t see what was happening.
amazing that with all the resources and experience i had…it happened (well i happened). and of course i can see all the elements of my unraveling now…the most sneaky aspect was that i got so busy working with others (interning)…at the end of a day i would feel that “i’ve been studying, counseling and working with other alcoholics and addicts, facilitating groups…i probably don’t need to get myself to my meetings and continue with the work that supports my continued recovery”. i’ve learned from raising this issue in meetings and while giving leads, that this is a very common cause for addiction and relapse in the helping professions. (you hear about it, but you can feel immune until it knocks on your door.) working in the counseling field can be full of “land mines” we don’t consider until we’ve stepped on one, and it’s not for lack of warning signs. this time around, things got much worse before they started getting better. i got back into AA in september of ‘06. it’s been a good and productive 18+ months.
i just uncovered recently…and here’s a really good one…that i was addicted to klonopin! after over 11 years on the prescription drug…go figure. it was when i began a titrate off of all my medications and finally approached the detox from klonopin that, all of my addictions became so horribly clear to me. it took going through an intentional and “going into with your eyes open” detox off of meds (and i’ve been this route on alcohol) to understand and see what’s been going on over the years. it’s humbling to look back and think that “someone like me”, could have become so tangled in so many addictions, for over a decade, even in active recovery, therapy, under doctors’ supervision, and studying to become a counselor!
i can’t say that everything is alright now. no, there’s a lot of stuff to continue to learn, clean up and work on. what i’m aware of now is how one can get “lost” in the midst of trying to be a counselor and…in life. there may be no perfect prevention, but there is a lot of “psychosocial insurance” available. i have a valuable past to illustrate what can lurk in the shadows, of even a seemingly together person…as i once thought i was. i’m a firm believer that the wreckage of our past can be our most valuable resource as we try to move forward.
with all of that said…am i crazy for wanting to re-enter the counseling program? maybe. i weathered some storms that woke me up and taught me some…great lessons. while i am still me, i can’t help but be changed. i have some good material to bring to the table. so…i’m wondering if i might be able to schedule a time to come in and meet with you to discuss what is going on in the program now and if i may still find a place there.
thank you for your time,
You’re being honest with what transpired, and seeking an opportunity to be give a second chance.
I think that this will all make you a better counselor. There will be countless people you can truly relate to….
You will be someone who knows what it feels like – from your own experience.
Hope you have great success!
Duane
hi duane,
thank you for the comment! yeah, having to write that letter was a hard thing to do, but i think going back to the counseling department is my best bet right now. things just fell apart so badly a few years back and i had no real idea about what was going on with me. after starting this blogging an being in communication with so many other people who’ve been stuck on these meds like i was, well…many good questions that needed to be asked were put out there and a lot of questions have been answered.
it shocks me that my doctors and therapists just stood by only offering more pills, but no honest answers about what had been going on. i mean, gosh, how many addicting drugs can a person be on for so long before a doctor might say that the problems you’re wrestling with are probably, in large part, due to addiction and withdrawal. they certainly knew that i was very active in AA and a recovering alcoholic…i mean what clue was missing?
well, if i missed it…and maybe they mentioned something about the klonopin from time to time, but no one really ever sat down and said “i think we might have a problem”…the prescriptions kept being written. is that really in the best interest of the patient? to not confront someone and limit their supply? i had tried several times to stop the klonopin and i did know that it was addicting but somehow i just never thought…it didn’t really occur to me, that all the problems i was having could have been greatly diminished, if the drugs/meds use would have “seriously”, been addressed!
gosh, it’s mind blowing and i will chase my tail about this. i am nearly off all my meds except the lyrica (for now). i have to be grateful for that. there is a long trail of messes to be cleaned up in the wake of this nightmare. i am angry and like anyone, i want to see doctors be accountable for allowing this to happen. but at the same time…i have to be accountable for myself because i have the knowledge now…ultimately, i am the only one who can care about what’s going on in my life and take the steps to make the changes. i could list the “buts”, but what does that change…anything?
thank you for your supportive words and the good information you share…it’s made a huge difference in this life. maybe i will be able to make that difference in the lives of others if i can get my degree now.
(Therapists/Doctors standing by prescribing more pills…) No, it doesn’t shock me. In fact, it’s hard to be a therapist or a doctor and go counter to the pill pushing culture. Your story is soo good because you outline quite well how you missed the fact that you were/had become addicted to pain medication and then how for a relatively long period of time, the very people who should have been aware of both the potential and the fact of your addiction, were either oblivious, too busy, or in denial about both (potential/addiction reality). Not putting the blame on anyone else here, just noting how trusting your doctor/therapist can backfire.
Addiction seeking behaviors for pain med is almost indistinquishable from real pain because of the psychosomatic connection. The brain can manufacture pain as well as mask it. When the body has real pain, and pain meds take that away with a little extra feel good boost, the reward message we get from the pain med can build as our physiological tolarance builds. Once addicted, which happens in some of my patients a lot quicker than you might think, the basis for your real pain, and the pain itself, can be totally gone but the brain will manufacture the pain, as if it is still there, so the brain gets it’s little opiate/opiod boost, which is now strictly a response to being addicted and having developed tolerance – the need to have more to get the same effect.
I would encourage you to more thoroughly document your pain med addiction story and publish it for medical students and doctors.