so far, i’m feeling a bit better today. i messed around with the dosage on my lyrica starting wednesday. i was feeling like i’d drank 2 pots of coffee…very uncomfortable…so i began cutting back a bit and…well, maybe the bottom fell out…but i also wonder if being so tightly wound for so many weeks may have not just worn me down…a little of both? the pain was comming back as i lessened the dose of lyrica…physical therapy was tough too. i pushed my dose back up last night. gosh was i weak! i’m holding steady at .5mg klonopin, but that comes down to apx 36 mg.s tonight.
i fell asleep when i got back from town. but when i got home, it was so nice to have msgs from people who were concerned and it was nice to know people cared…i had gone to an AA mtg but just couldn’t make it to staying and going out to dinner (which i always do). having to back down because i was not feeling well was really a hard thing to do…i just try so hard to never let how i’m feeling come up or interfere. is that stoic or stupid?
this sharing…that i’m not doing well or not feeling well…it is really hard for me. it’s hard to ask for help and it’s hard to let people help. that attitude has been a long time in the making. when i was young…if i said i wasn’t feeling well that was met with “you’re such a hypochondriac” and ”stop trying to get attention”…so i stopped…got tough and learned to buck it up! it always felt like i had to be well or together so everyone else could be falling apart and sick. i mean someone had to take care of the cooking and cleaning! i never, never asked them for help…they wouldn’t have been there if i did. so…you live and you learn…some really unhealthy things.
living quite far from town and my friends…well it’s a big deal for them to come all the way out here (esp. now with the gas prices)…everyone i know is long distance call from here. yes, if you’re about a mile from here, it’s a long distance call! so that whole long distance drive/call thing is an added barrier. (in the back of my mind besides my personal issue about sharing what’s really going on and asking for help.) “i can’t impose on people because the drive or calls would be too much”…that’s an easy out!
the insane thing is that…my circle of friends is based on helping others (AA) and i really love helping others. but allowing people to help me…and maybe really allowing people to know me…i’m insecure that way. i guess i only feel people will be around if i’m needed or being useful. i believe there is a huge part of me that feels, if i’m needy people won’t want to be around me. yes, there are some big self-esteem issues flying around here…the pink elephant in the room! i know how good it feels to have someone ask you for help, and to be able to help. why can’t i give that opportunity to the people around me…even my counselor! some of it is a control issue…accepting help also means accepting advice and doing what others tell you to do.
now, most of the people who i would talk with, have excellent advice…they are wise and have a lot of experience. would asking them for help, and doing what they tell me to do, be fatal?! not likely…in fact, i’m sure most people’s advice to me, would be better/healthier than, the advice i sit around giving myself most of the time. by isolating this way, i live in a vacuum and that is not conducive to growth. i’ve always prided myself on learning, growing and…being open minded. but damn can i be a stubborn, closed-minded creature!
it’s embarrassing to admit but, that is being so much like my family, who i loath. yes…i am a lot like them…in those regards. stubborn, and closed-minded. yuck, blagh, aarrghh…that was awful to say…but being honest here…that’s what i’m working towards. (i’ve also seen my family, and others, develop disabling issues with “learned helplessness”…having ailments and problems become a means of getting attention…that has turned me off a lot. i hate soap operas.)
yes, letting go of some of the control i’ve taken over my life (that has overtaken my life) , and being more honest in the one area that i am in the most denial and dishonest about…my health and energy…that’s what needs work!
this thing about being alone…it can be a hard thing to become comfortable with. normally, i love being alone quite a lot and rarely think of it. i’ve been running this farm over 11 years alone and it’s become a way of life. the last time i was married was over 15 years ago, and that was brief. most of the time it is a good life. it’s the “being alone” when i’m getting really sick, or the sickness is dragging along that…well, when you’re not feeling well…everything in the world that is remotely upsetting seems to come to mind and become magnified! but during an average to good day…don’t think about being alone at all. i prefer it (considering what some of my options where over the years!). besides, i have 4 dogs, a cat and 3 horses that are the best therapy and company, most of the time!
it’s good to find friends and comrades in many places…even far away. the internet has been a life saver, as winters especially, can become very isolating (besides the illnesses). well it’s a small town here, and it’s also nice to know people who are not from here…for so many reasons.
writing this blog is also helping me to see some of these really disabling issues…as writing this has also led me to read other people’s blogs and share…people have been awsome and the reaching out from others here is carrying over into how i’m living my “offline” life! thank you dear blogshpere friends…you are changing my life.
oh gosh….feeling held back from chronic illness, pain, these meds,…it just gets really getting old sometimes. but…onward and upward (LOL).
today i will tell someone how i’m really feeling and ask for help.
peace out!
you reached out yesterday to your therapist…that’s a start…
I so totally relate to all you say here…it’s rather freaky…though I’ve become rather adept at telling it like it is on my blog…I too rarely let people hear the pain in my voice or really ask people for help.
I too feel if I’m not being useful no one will want me around…too needy–no one will like me…
of course it’s coming to that in my marriage…I am too needy and it’s causing problems…
life’s a bitch sometimes…
My best wishes to you
This really hits home. How can you ask someone for help, admit that your mind is broken?
i’m sorry i’ve taken so long to reply. i got really busy actually going around to people either talking about this topic of being honest about things that are going on with you and being willing to ask for help.
being honest and asking for help about anything can be tough. an important point often raised is about confidentiality…being appropriate and selective about the person/people you choose to confide in.
but putting good thought into what information to share and who you choose to share it with can help when it comes to discussing deep personal issues.
making revelations can get a bit easier and you get better at it with practice. if there is information of importance that is going to effect several people…sometimes going to a third, objective party to “practice” can be helpful. if you are comfortable…and you don’t have to be a catholic or christian….to seek out a pastor, priest, minister or rabi and the like. they will keep your information confidiential and they can give helpful feedback about what and how you are sharing your information. of course a therapist, if you have one, is a good person and situation to “practice” in. support groups can offer helpful environments to learn to share and ask for help.
this is not something that comes naturally to many of us. it is counterintuitive for most! but some creative problem solving…thinking/searching for options along the line of practicing these skills and yes….they are skills!
another nice route that preserves anonymity allows for other’s input is doing just what you did…reading someone’s blog, and writing what you did. i’m sorry i was slow…typically i and others stay on top of their blog activities…responses are usually forthcomming and given with compassion.
i hope this reaches you…and bless us all for trying our best!