a letter i sent to my counselor this morning

today i thought i’d just share a letter i wrote to my counselor this morning…maybe you can relate to it and maybe it’s really scattered and makes no sense but…this is one of those rough mornings….

hi d.,

 

i’m slow to getting around to things, but i’m sending you this e-mail so you have my address.

 

i’m struggling a bit today…no a lot…i just have such bad morning anxiety and it may be the meds and withdrawal. i’ve been trying to navigate this on my own and it’s just maybe a bit too much. some days i feel very good about what i’m doing then the mornings come and the anxiety and i get very frustrated and wish i could atleast cry and i can’t.

 

i’m so sure that getting a break from the meds is something i need…but when i hit these low points…which i’m sure most people do…i get a sort of panic. i guess the most difficult thing i’m dealing with is the aloneness of all of this. even though i do my blog and communicate with the other people trying to withdrawal…the futility of what they’re experiencing is not what i want to have going on for a protracted period of time! who does. i mean…i’ve been living with this same battle of mind and body that has way laid so much of my life already…i just can’t see what i’ve been living, how we’re living…being the story of the rest of my life! it just seems overwhelming for any of us to have to go through at times. i mean, basically, i think i’m a healthy person…after all these years i’m not convinced that i’m so sick that drugs are the only solution. i see a lot of people in AA get off the meds and do well. but the full lives i see people live, that enable them to do well…i can’t always pull myself up and do it all. the energy i’ve been running on is some crazy, disorganized kind of energy, that, while i appear to be doing well i’m not really able to tend to the “details” of my life as i need to.

 

maybe this wishy-washyness is part of getting off the benzos…but other people i’m talking with have health practitioners they can work with and i feel i’m really the only one who’s doing this on my own. no husband, no family…

 

i don’t know…it’s not feeling like such a good day today…well they’ve all been a little rough and when i’m finally around people i’m so happy to be with others that i don’t want to bog things down with my problems…but i go home and i’m alone with them, the emotions. there has to be a good balance. i will even have a bad habit of not sharing those not so good things with you when i come in because at that moment i will be feeling good and then everything will seem ok…for that time…

 

does any of this make any sense? i always feel very disorganized trying to talk about this and my anxiety is pretty high right now.

 

well i don’t think it’s a crisis…this is an ongoing issue…being “peachy” when i’m around people…even you as my counselor…then having these horrible times when no one is around. i really kick myself to pull through the rough spots…but even that gets old and i just want to…not…not do anything. i guess i had to bust myself and write this while i was going through one of those times because when i come in to see you i’ll feel…”just fine”.

 

just so you know an you can maybe pin me down on this one.

note:

i started cutting back on my lyrica because i think the “crazy energy” is comming from that. as, a few friends who’d been put on lyrica shared about their anxiety and feeling like they’d had too much coffee etc.