writing for the blog and keeping up with everyone has been doubly difficult to jump into right now. just at a time when i need the support, experience, strength and hope of others as well as the need to put my own out there i’ve been confronted my an old “monster in the closet”.
i’ll just mention again that i’ve been on pysch meds consistantly for the last ten years even though my diganosis of bipolar came thirty years ago. i am also diagnosed borderline personality disorder, ADHD and PTSD. i’m also a recovering alcoholic with eating disorders.
it seems that detoxing off my psych meds has played a role in triggering a fribromyalgia/CFS crisis. i’ve gone nearly three years with out pain. the fatigue is almost a daily struggle but i had been having many good days and days that i could work my way through and have a good quality of life. shortly before i started going off my meds i was really noticing that i was having more problems with memory, concentration and managing my moods. that was what really prompted me to want to try at least a drug holiday, if not come completely off all my meds. i was very concerned that the Lamictal, Neurontin, Wellbutrin and Klonopin were to blame for my rather flat affect.
i’m wondering if i wasn’t slipping into a crisis inspite of my meds or if the detoxing brought it on. when i initially started tapering off my meds i was having more difficulty with my mental functioning and i just chalked it up to withdrawal symptoms. but about two-three weeks into the process i began having pain in my left hand (similar to arthritis with heat and swelling). a couple more weeks and the pain i’d had in my neck for over six years but had lost after going through my six month course of Cipro (for osteomylitis) a few years back, returned. pretty soon the aches and pain and horrible fatigue and mind fog were full on!
this is horribly depressing as i thought the chronic pain had left since i’d gone nearly three years with out experiencing any of it! it was my gastro. doc that told me the fibromyalgia was back after i went to him with severe digestive problems.
well i was prescribed lyrica and a couple of days it seemed to take the edge off the pain and my mood lifted a bit but the last couple of days have been horrible again! i think the most distressing affect i’m dealing with is the mind fog! simple tasks and decisions are nearly impossible. i get lost taking a shower for god’s sake. so, i avoid doing anything. driving’s not safe.
this is such a horrible time for this to happen because just prior to all of this i had really committed to getting back into my old career as a designer and was excited about that. i’ve been passing through my life in a low depression for the last couple of years and thought it was because i wasn’t following my heart. i was simply doing what i thought were the “right” things to do. i felt that if i lived a life that was true to “me” then maybe i’d have some more passion and thunder.
well i’m just in a big knot now. it’s hard to find a doctor to deal with the fibromyalgia and believe in managing my pain. since i am a recovering alcoholic who’s tripped up once after being left on pain meds for a long period of time a few years back. that fact alone….docs seem to believe that we recovering people should suffer pain just because we’re at risk! i have a fairly good track record with my recovery and am very honest about what i need and don’t need. if i ask for pain management then i really need it! i’m too familiar with all of the risks besides addiction with long term use of products like vicodone. but at this time, for as long as i’ve been sick with fibromyalgia/CFS and as much life as i’m missing out on, the benefits outweigh the risks in my eyes. if they can just stop the pain-spasm cycle sometimes that enough and it only recquires about 3-7 days of vicodone and a muscle relaxant to put me back on track and regulate my sleep again too.
well i’m fussing today but i’m just the sick and tired of being sick and tired….again! i’m just angry, grumpy and bitchy right now…but who wouldn’t be. i try to laugh and have some good conversations becuase that lifts my spirits. i try not to put my bad attitude on others because that never helps anything…but i’m tired of having to “try” to be happy.
for the most part i am a happy and positive person, but this time around is really trying me and i have to say that there are desparate hours when i wonder if suicide wouldn’t be the most humane thing…i mean these problems can just seem so insurmountable and when it’s not your first time going through it it’s still hard to imagine a light at the end of the tunnel even if there has been one there before.
