drunkorexia…watch that definition! i drank so i could starve a little easier!

ok, this topic is a bit astray from what i’ve been discussing…but it’s a topic all too near and dear to my heart!

i deny this all the time…but, i have anorexia. i developed it when i was 16. at 5′ 6″, i pretty consistently weigh in the teens or less (right now, i’m chunky at 125 since i’m detoxing off the meds!). well this “drunkorexia” i heard about on the news this morning (and then looked up on the internet)…boy i think they have the whole definition screwed up. as i heard it: “drunkorexia is The practice of replacing meals with booze. It’s like the SlimFast diet, but FUN!”

FUN? simply replacing meals with booze…? the drinking and food restriction relationship goes back a little further and a little deeper. it is not just an issue of replacing…there is much more to it. as both an alcoholic and an anorexic and person who’s been in recovery for over ten years now (not perfectly, but consistently) i can tell you how this “drunkorexia” fits into my story. first i was exposed to alcohol, but it was difficult to get. about the same time, i began to feel various pressures to be thin and discovered the wonders of controlling my food intake: anorexia. i got that rush and satisfaction and sense of control when i could “just say no” to food! that feeling of starvation became more like an adrenaline rush for me (still can be).but getting to the “drunkorexia”…after junior year in high school i found ways to get all the alcohol i wanted. i wanted a lot! i soon found that alcohol killed the craving for food. for me i didn’t skip eating so i could use those calories on alcohol. i used alcohol to help kill my appetite and get yet another rush, aside from the one that came from my hunger pangs. honestly…it was so much easier to drink than to starve! go figure!!! while this simplifies my alcoholism…i won’t go into my “lead”…i drank for other reasons too.but the point for me is that the eating disorder progressed into a drinking disorder. it was no “slim fast” diet plan….saving calories so i could drink. i drank so i could starve a little easier!while i don’t drink anymore, after i had my daughter i never really viewed my extreme weight fluxuations as being an eating disorder. i was off and running with my drinking and actually…eating would kill a good buzz. better to drink on an empty stomach. quite simply: eating would kill my buzz!

prior to having my daughter, food restriction and weight loss were very definitely intentional. but what was intentional has now become sort of….intuition. when life gets really out of control i restrict food intake as a means of feeling some sense of control. i’m not usually conscious that i’m doing it until people and docs start saying something to me about my weight. but once that ball is rolling…i have to be honest…i want to keep it rolling! i usually attribute my being “petite”, to just being so busy that when i come home at night my toast is still in the toaster! ooops! and, well, that’s about 70% the truth. but i know a “normal” person would get hungry at some point during the day and hunt down something to eat…not me. i’m too picky about what i eat.

for now, as i detox off these meds i’m allowing myself to eat what ever i want. i don’t freak anymore because i drop weight faster than water goes over niagara falls! i hate getting an ounce of chub on myself but…well let’s get these drugs out of my system first. i have control over that…i think. ya know…for me…it’s all about control a lot of the time. and that’s funny, because i’m such a laid back, somewhat disorganized, “come what may” person. i don’t sweat much but….well, there’s my achilles’ tendon. control and food.