art interruptedreclaiming artistic creativity
do you know of resources for the physical and psychological rehabilitation of fine artists: painters, illustrators, designers, etc. artists who’ve experienced an interference in their career due to physical and or psychological trauma?
eight years ago i walked away from a life long career as an artist/designer. something, physical, psychological and work related happened(another story). with not twenty minutes notice, i picked-up and ran.
after that, i just carried on. i found things i thought i could be passionate about, and settled in to accept my “lot in life”. First i checked out seminary; then tried graduate studies in counseling; then medical technology assisting; then phlebotomy and even tried to start a small business. but, the internal discomfort and constant “disconnects” became too great and frequent. one morning i was reading a daily meditation and it jarred me to the core:
“imagine living in your head, untrue to your heart.
the pain of separation.
imagine the depth of the longing
for peace.”
–unknown
that day I began “coming out” to the people around me who only knew the “post art-life me”. i got honest…real honest…to my doctors, therapists, friends, co-workers…everyone involved in my life. i told them who i really was and what i’d been doing for the last eight years. the fake smiles, lying, false positive attitude. saying that all was well and that i was ”ok”.
all was not well, and i was not ok.
gradually, a couple of years back i began coming to a dramatic personal discovery. i was observing that everything i’d tried since leaving my last job and artistic career, well…i just wasn’t thriving nor did i possess the necessary drive and follow-through…essentially i was not succeeding at anything. I was slowly dying inside. I’m 44 as I write this, and I won’t live the rest of my life as I had been for over eight years. (with 20 years lost to drinking and my last 10 years in and out of recovery that leaves the first 14 and believe me those weren’t good. So, I’m motivated) i had to be honest with myself and the others trying to help me. my heart was somewhere else. i was walking around absent, vacant, empty. i did so with a positive attitude, putting on a smile and believing that if i behave a certain way the rest would follow. what a bunch of crap! (in this instance.) you can’t behave yourself into something you’re not…not really.
yes, as adults we do a lot of things we don’t “like” doing. but should we live a life we don’t “love”? if we are keenly aware and can become committed to making a change, we seek out and make a life we can love. we can’t live a lie once we know the truth.
one of my many uncompleted efforts was my masters program in counseling. I was a dual major and i completed my courses in vocational rehabilitation counseling. based on personal experience, what i studied and the work i’d done, i designed an informal program of “creative, artistic recovery” for myself. i try working the various components, but often find that my motivation can be challenged. the “coming back” part is often routine, repetitive, unrewarding, exhausting…results are rarely very exciting or noteworthy…especially if you try to “share” with people not involved…which is really everyone i know. If I try to explain what I’m doing, I get so many screwed up responses…”what “rehab” could you possibly need to do to get back into design and art?”
“rehabilitating the artist in yourself?” “what’s with that?” ”just sit down and do it.” “that’s the kind of thing you never loose.” “It’s always inside you, just find it.” “just use discipline!”
i want to scream!
Here’s the shortlist of issues I need to address: my hand muscles have atrophied. my strength/stamina both in my hands and in general is very poor. my eye-hand coordination is off. my color, depth, shape…perception is horrible. my vision has deteriorated (ok I’m not twenty anymore.). lack of exposure and lack of the constant doing has dulled me beyond just dull. kindergarteners have better artistic, verbal and visual vocabularies. the list goes on.
i am “broken”.
just how relevant or important is all of this? why should i be so upset? well only another artist, and preferably someone who’s shared my experience, could probably answer that question.
where are the others like me?
well, most of my friends, after i “came out”, said i never looked quite right in suits and scrubs. i was somehow awkward or something was “off”, but they couldn’t put their finger on it.
Now what I’m about to reveal may seem like an aside but it may be useful for illustrating my plight: i am a recovering alcoholic. I began that journey in ‘97…the people making these comments are mostly fellow recovering people. A majority of us are a bit “off” so it’s easy to overlook or just put aside that “uncomfortable, misfit” look. we all have it some or all of the time, because we’re drunks living sober! many of us are “displaced” because of our disease.
our comfortable state of being vs our necessary state of being.
many recovering alcoholics adapt because they’ve moved to a place that is healthier for them.
the alcoholic’s “necessary” (sobriety) become comfortable, because our “comfortable” (drunk) was not necessary.
Most alcoholics are not career artists though, so this juggling of words can’t be made true for an artist who leaves their art (terminally unique me).
an artist’s “necessary” (creativity) is comfortable because our “comfortable” (creativity) is necessary.
“artist” is not a disease you can cure. “artist” is not a career you can walk away from, because it is not simply a career as most people understand a career. art isn’t merely a calling. art drives you. art permeates every aspect of our life’s story…from birth. So, being an artist, to live a life with out art, is hardly living or living at a great disadvantage.
how we, as artists, navigate, interpret and communicate with the world is through our artistic lenses, filters and canvases. without them…
…well…try this: put on a blindfold, earplugs, a gag, maybe gloves…plug your nose and numb your taste buds, remove the ability to sense temperature, wind or touch grazing your skin…eliminate all emotions. try this and you come close to living a life with out being you…an artist without their art. sure…this experiment would suck for anyone. but rarely does a change in careers or majors effect someone this way. (symptoms/experiences such as these result from damage or disease and are treated. as a society, we do not expect another human or animal for that, to live at such a deficit, if it can be helped.)
in the eight years since i’ve left my art, all of those symptoms have haunted me nearly all of my waking hours. and, if I’ve slept well, i’ve rarely had a dream. i became a fairly good actress and a miserable person. I’ve helped a lot of people but couldn’t help myself. but you know, the saddest truth i discovered was that, eight years ago i really left “a bad work situation” (an intolerable one, that gave me a nervous breakdown). in spite of finding spirituality, recovery, a great psychiatrist, a wonderful psychologist and numerous good friends we all missed the key ingredient to my truly becoming well. i associated my work as an artist with the bad office environment i was in. i thought being an artist was unhealthy for me when in fact it was my work environment that was unhealthy. this little twist of logic was never questioned.
i literally threw the baby out with the bath water! for the first time i really get that stupid saying!
I walked away from my art claiming post traumatic stress disorder, equating creativity with the trauma my work situation had caused. nothing more was said or done about the situation. I was given more drugs, offered vocational rehabilitation. God was creativity and art that dangerous? was being artistic a disease or disorder that needed to be treated? mainstream me so I’m easier to manage. If I’m no longer creative I can’t create waves, question or challenge the status quo. Sound angry? I am. Not at any one person, institution or myself. There’s no fault here. Not for lost time. Nothing was really lost. Just angry. Ok sarcastic maybe?
so what do i do for rehab? it’s a long, but very intentional list of exercises that i set out to practice so I might be able to create again, work and maybe show my art. i even took a job at a pet store because elements of that are part of my rehab plan. I took that job for reasons above and beyond saying “i’ll do this for an income to support what i’m doing”. this job is below my abilities, but i took this job because i will do anything to get back “to me”. (not “where i was”…that’s not an option…that’s a deadly perceptual trap.)
i don’t believe anyone can succeed at any rehab alone. i’ve learned this too many different ways! sure spirituality is great, and it’s nice to have a few cheerleaders. but like i told a friend in a wheelchair who never stops harping that “you don’t know what it’s like”…”i don’t, and can’t know what it’s like”…for her…
understand, the bottom line of having shared experiences in recovery is, that we need someone who, we can trust knows, what it’s like!
i would like to find existing programs and support…in my field of recovery: recovery in fine art…i’d like to meet other painters, illustrators, potterists, sculptors needing recovery like me. i already have recovery support for my other issues and the tools do translate, but the language and intimacy does not.
